In a difficult time such as this one, I feel like everything;every bullshit excuses that I have; every whiny emotion that I have is brought into light. I do not want to be just a talented unsuccessful person. I want to be the person I am meant to be by GOD. I have been living in such complacency, such comfort, such unconsicousness that I had become this person who is "settling." Only now do I feel as if I am growing. I feel growing pains and many emotions, however, I am convinced that this is what's supposed to happen to me right now. I want to take this opportunity to be better, to be outstanding, to push myself as humanely and to the best of my capability to achieve what I wanted. I just cannot keep reversing back into the role of self pity and wallowing in the emotion. I think its my way to not do what needs to be done. I will not let my emotions and my own perceived limitations to prevent me becoming the best of my ability. That is my resolve, That is my commitment. I will do everything, and anything that I can, within my reach, to get a job that not only pays well 20-30k more but also something that will align with what I want to do in the future. I want to be in more of a management or project management role, I dont want to perform experiments. I want to have variety. I want to interact with people and influence them. I want to be great and be in a great company (a well positioned, growth oriented company).

I will not rest until my time is up.

a time for growth

"I really could be with this guy. "Thats the thought that has been in my mind lately. So many things have happened in my life over the past few months. I was laid off from my job of almost 4 years last week and although its still a bit of a shock for me, i do believe that it is god's plan in the making. I feel like i'm free and that i'm allowed to dream of what i want to become already. And my dear boyfriend has been such a source of support and strength and inspiration for me. I could feel his love for me. His spirit with me and I felt closer with him. more connected and more in tune with him. He has taught me so much about what it means to truly love someone and what it means to be with someone. I feel myself opening up to him more and falling more in love with him. And there's this awareness from within me that is guiding me through the process of spiritual growth and learning curve. Growing pains, and fear and yet, knowing and having faith that this is exactly what must happen and that this is exactly what i need to grow and to move forward toward achieving everything that i have ever wanted.

I am preparing myself to battle. A fight with my own "perceived" limitations. A fight with my own fears and insecurities. I know that this is what i must do to achieve something so much greater than myself. I know that this is in my destiny. To change and to undergo metamorphosis to make me even more whole and beautiful as a being. I feel guided by god. I feel him close to my heart. I feel a lot of things, but I also feel and appreciate human kindness. That there are beautiful beings around me. So much goodness and warmth. Even though the world is so unpredictable and chaotic right now, there is this room for me to breathe. I feel expansive and like i could see glimmers of light not far from where i'm standing. I could listen to myself more and i feel like i'm cultivating more faith and courage. My practice is to be committed to optimism and patience. To be extremely focused on my goal and to allow myself to open and dream of more possibilities. I am not defined by my job. I am not defined by my posessions. I am not defined by my accomplishments. I am a force of life. A force to love and be kind to all living creatures. To appreciate the earth, nature and beauty. TO sustain and leave more beauty in this world. Not to destroy it. Beauty is not just a literal expression. Or a creation of things. Perhaps, there's this intangible beauty, in the aura of a person, a dog's joyful spirit, a baby's innocence, a kind heart, or this inherent knowing that the person next to you cares for you.

monsters

I find that there's a lot of monsters that i have to face.
-self esteem- its almost the year end and I feel like i did not have a tangible result to show my family that i'm progressing.
-Staying true to my faith that the right thing to do is to find a job.
-being careful not to loop in my head about stuff. Being present enough to know to take a break when my intellect started to churn and wanted to just drop everything and to be unconscious.
-Keep holding my feet to the fire and to work the five oclock system methodically. Really keeping track and to keep networking and improving my communication skills, positioning myself in a good light, and learning how to write very effectively.
-TO get out there and meet people. Career fairs, and all sorts of resources and to not suddenly sabotage my efforts because i'm scared that somehow i'm not good enough and that everything will just blow up in my face. and i'll get hurt and sad and lonely.
-I find myself quietly judging j. I'm not impressed with his inability to just give the last push. He's so close. and i just find it weak and i wonder if i could be with someone who's so inconsistent. I wonder if he'll be succesful. I think the direction of the relationship will be even clearer come next year. I feel that i need to listen to myself more. I just dont want to be in a 3-4 year relationship if in the end, its not working out. I want to stay conscious even when its not pleasant or when its scary.
-To be kinder to myself and my limitations. I discovered that i can be too hard on myself with no premise.

A shift in awareness

I'm realizing a shift in my being these days. I am feeling more than i'm thinking. ANd i'm more aware of the subtleness of my body. my mood and my emotions. I'm feeling a little bit of resentment toward my bf. I'm wondering if he can handle me if i stop holding myself back. I feel like i have been holding myself back from him. My sexuality, my womanhood, my being. I"m afraid that i will be too much for him to bear and that he will leave. I think i've come to a point of decision and commitment that i must speak my truth. I must be my whole being. ANd i cannot be with someone who doesnt let me be my whole being. I"m not sure if this is self imposed. BUt i think i'm going to step it up and play a new realm in all of my relationships. I am unapologetically me. and perhaps this is why one taste has been on my mind lately. Its like a gentle reminder of where i should be feeling. and thinking. Combined with planning my life.

"there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." anais nin

Restless

My boyfriend is out of town this weekend. He is in the east coast visiting his friend and scouting out the place. This is the first time we've spent time apart in a sense that he's somewhere else and i'm here in the city. Its a long weekend and it felt strange to be without him. Beyond the usual i miss him, there's this sense of "offness" that i felt deep within me. I felt like i lost my anchor to reality and was thrown into my realm of reality. A gf of mine thinks its not good, because it means i'm codependent on him. But is this codependency? What is codependency? I know without a doubt that we can function and survive without each other in our lives. But having him in my life made me stronger. There's a sense of consistency and stability that comes from our relationship. I felt like i have a space where i could just grow spiritually and mentally and also to pursue and focus on my dreams and goals. WE have the same vision in regard to that. In addition, i am falling in love with him more each time. I felt like i'm a better person for having known him and that, i am much further in my journey because of him. I miss him terribly and i felt lonely and my heart felt restless without him. I have this fear that he might not want what i want in this life. I want to live in another place. In paris/london/new york. to absorb the culture and the life there. I want him to want it because one of my dreams is to have a man who i love to travel around the world. I want someone who can run along with me. My coach says that i should not worry about this and he suggested that i let my bf decide when the time comes. Of course, even to bring it up is scary, what if its the beginning of the end? BUt i do want to know the extent of depth in our relationship. i'm scared to relive that heartbreak again. It was singularly the worst experience in my life> it was almost like a depression.

I do love my boyfriend. I love him very much. I'm crazy about him. I'm also in love with him. I still cant wait to see him, i still felt that passion when we kissed or made love. His energy felt so complimentary to mine. He just let me be me and at the same time hold me to my highest potential. A person also once told me that the degree of passion you experience in a relationship is proportionate to the amount of fear and uncertainty you can tolerate in the relationship. I honestly dont know what will happen. And i spend so much of my time worrying about it , because i'm afraid of losing the love i have .But what is love if you want to put conditions on it? i dont want to love him like that. I want to love him with all my heart and soul, a love thats freeing and not binding. A love thats just is. And the first step to that is to accept the uncertainty of the situation.

Something strange happened to me today. I was watching the olympics race, especially michael phelps and i felt as if i was being awaken from a deep slumber. I looked around me. the situation i am in at work and i realized how unhappy i am to be here. I am ready to give up my greencard processing for a better opportunity. I am ready to jump ship but again, i realized that my ship is not there. I feel as if i have been holding myself back and distracting myself and trying to be ok. But, the truth is this is not ok. I want to do what i'm supposed to do, to inspire , to leave a mark in this world, to be happy, i want to be extraordinary. To compete. To defy the odds. Wealth is not the focus. I just want a simple lasting fulfillment and happiness. I feel like i need to be honest with myself. I dont see myself being with josh because i think i wanted to move and he doesnt want to. I feel that i cant do what i want to do in the bay area.I cant explain why, but i feel as if something is missing here. I'm done with this area. And it scares me because well, the pain thats associated with losing someone you love. I do know that he cant be my excuse of not doing anything or moving forward or living my dream. I dont want to just live a mediocre existence. I want something more than the usual. People might say i am stupid. But its not their call. Ultimately, i am responsible for the direction, the kind of life and most of all, to do what will make me the happiest.

i am feeling very insecure right now. i need one thing to be certain. one absolute certainty. and i know i'm asking too much. HOw can anyone gave me a guarantee about relationships? HOw? I remembered again, how the pain was. I remembered how it just slits through my heart. The pain. The suffering that could only be released through my tears. I remembered the exhaustion, the death of my own fire. I thought i died. I felt like a zombie, just slugging through life. well, sometimes i wonder if loving is really the best way. I want it so much. I am looking for my happily ever after, and i'm scared. Tonight, was the first time, i really felt the possibility of him and I not working out. The possibility of breaking up and it really hurts. I was genuinely and am sad. I feel like, he's not seeing me in his future. And it pained me because i could . I could see being with him long term. Am i the one who's just so naive and innocent? am i? How can i love someone if I am not sure of the possibility? perhaps, this is not the one. Perhaps, he is not my happily ever after. I must believe that God is protecting me, watching over me. And that whatever happens, i will be ok. I Just ask you for one thing, dear god, Please ..please, be with me during the darkest hour. Dont let me suffer on my own.