Delicious

It was a sunny and lazy sunday afternoon. We were at a cafe. Drinking mocha and having some snacks. I felt low energy. I felt annoyed at him for not being present with me. I could feel him trying desperately to retreat inside his armor. Hiding something thats been bugging his heart. Is he afraid I would find it and not like it? or do I just make him nervous? I was pissed. I was annoyed. I wanted to lash out at him and tell him to stop and drop this game, of hiding out by putting all his attention on me. That just pisses me off even more. I want to see your flaws, your vulnerable spots. I am hungry for deeper connection. I want to see your authenticity, the only thing that drew me to you in the first place.

I could feel myself contracting. And I decided to put him on the spot. I looked straight into the deep pool blue of his eyes and asked him a question. "tell me something you've held back from me." I could feel him working his mind, smiling, he told me something thats not what he felt and i called it out. and then, he asked."why you want to know?" I said "because i want to get closer to you." and he said "you dont mean that." I got pissed, I said to him " no, i do." and he said again that I do not meant that. but now that I rewind that scene in my mind, i knew i did not want to. All i wanted to do yesterday was to hit a spot in him for whatever reason. Perhaps it was just my own defense of not letting him get too close to me (if it makes any sense at all). After a few minutes, he shared something with me. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it was true. Because throughout the story, the body language, the voice, the restless movement of his eyes, it almost feels like he wanted to let me in,but he held back. And yet, i knew he did to a certain extent. Because I could feel his pain. I could feel emotions infused into his words. Its called being in tune with each other. When he was done, we gazed into each other's eyes and his eyes showed so much softness , warmth and love . He held my hands, i held his gaze and I felt my heart skipped a beat. Was I looking for an ugly scribble on this seemingly perfect white paper? perhaps i was. I was looking for a way to push him away. I wanted to scream at him and tell myself that this has all been a lie. That this is not happening. Something this good cant be happening to me because i dont deserve it. (WOW), did i seriously just type that? (WOW) It just does not make sense to me how he could love me within such a short period of time. And its not making sense to me how i could use the word "love" because i really do feel loved by him. Its tripping me out.