Reflection
I have made the right choice, to love my first love. I now know, with certainty that what led me to him, and what made me loved him was because i saw something in him that is GOOD at its most authentic form. I fell in love with his core, with his truth. The truth behind a mass of tattooes, and bad fashion and beer belly and age. The facade that none of my family gets. I didnt realize how much i have questioned that particular decision. Because of the amount of bullshit that had been thrown at me from well-intentioned family members. I became the 4 year old little girl again, instead of a woman who's sure ,feminine and authentic and strong. I'm still amazed by how fast i can go back and forth to the role. I still feel that i havent quite stepped into this woman that i am. Because to tell the truth, i am scared. I dont know if i can handle her. and if i can just be her. and accept everything with a clear mind, a clear heart for the responsibility.
regardless, i have made peace with this phase in my life. I did make the right choice. It wasnt wrong. I met a good man, with a good heart, and a good soul to fell in love with. to share one year of my life with. And i am grateful for that experience. I still checked on his blog from time to time, because i do care for him. Do i still love him, i honestly dont know. I can only know if i see him. But i prefer not to find out. I have decided to put him in my past and i do not want my present and future to be filled by him except for words shared through the internet.
The second choice, CJ. I must find a way to let this go. If i would to be honest, i resent him even now. My heart has this hatred toward him for lying to me. I have this belief that he was just trying to prove a point, to feed his ego. Its an extremely bitter pill for me to swallow, because i had thought i saw the genuine-ness in him. And that i had thrown myself at him like a cheap whore. I hated myself for doing that. And felt like punishing myself for being so naive and so stupid. How did i get to that? and i had to remind myself that CJ led me to the big transformation . He led me to Find OT. to embrace my sexuality and femininity. He broke open my shell and made me able to feel again. really, is this hatred just my ego, and my pride talking because i feel rejected. Perhaps it is. I have no interest in finding joy and happiness from that. And so, i will practice letting this negative thought go.
And recently, J. Sometimes when i sit down alone with my thoughts, i have this internal battle to try and curb my love, my passion, my enthusiasm for him. Because i am still so scared of getting hurt again. I have these images of how my family will react. Will they shoot me down and ridicule my choice again> will they? will this ruin our relationship? and in my defense and protective mechanism, i'll try to sabotage everything. with stories such as he doesnt love me, etc..etc...the truth is i am happy. The joy that i felt being with him, being in this relationship with him is the kind that there's no agenda, no expectation, no pressure. I felt nurtured. I felt just like how a beautiful flower that has been watered and nurtured with love, must feel. with its blossom and the warm sunshine caressing her soft petals and face. I feel like that. I feel like how a woman is, when she's loved, and when she's happy. and i am so very grateful for this.
Perhaps, these are growing pains. Perhaps being a woman is to learn and to feel and to go through all this. My awareness is a blessing. I chose to never go unconscious of it. I chose to embrace my core. My being. To understand my soul and to know what i am all about. I want to be a woman who is feminine. But who can be masculine when she's out and about dealing with the world. I am a strong woman. I chose to love. I chose to risk my heart because i believe that i will be fine no matter what happens. And because, i know that I will always be guided by a higher power than myself.
regardless, i have made peace with this phase in my life. I did make the right choice. It wasnt wrong. I met a good man, with a good heart, and a good soul to fell in love with. to share one year of my life with. And i am grateful for that experience. I still checked on his blog from time to time, because i do care for him. Do i still love him, i honestly dont know. I can only know if i see him. But i prefer not to find out. I have decided to put him in my past and i do not want my present and future to be filled by him except for words shared through the internet.
The second choice, CJ. I must find a way to let this go. If i would to be honest, i resent him even now. My heart has this hatred toward him for lying to me. I have this belief that he was just trying to prove a point, to feed his ego. Its an extremely bitter pill for me to swallow, because i had thought i saw the genuine-ness in him. And that i had thrown myself at him like a cheap whore. I hated myself for doing that. And felt like punishing myself for being so naive and so stupid. How did i get to that? and i had to remind myself that CJ led me to the big transformation . He led me to Find OT. to embrace my sexuality and femininity. He broke open my shell and made me able to feel again. really, is this hatred just my ego, and my pride talking because i feel rejected. Perhaps it is. I have no interest in finding joy and happiness from that. And so, i will practice letting this negative thought go.
And recently, J. Sometimes when i sit down alone with my thoughts, i have this internal battle to try and curb my love, my passion, my enthusiasm for him. Because i am still so scared of getting hurt again. I have these images of how my family will react. Will they shoot me down and ridicule my choice again> will they? will this ruin our relationship? and in my defense and protective mechanism, i'll try to sabotage everything. with stories such as he doesnt love me, etc..etc...the truth is i am happy. The joy that i felt being with him, being in this relationship with him is the kind that there's no agenda, no expectation, no pressure. I felt nurtured. I felt just like how a beautiful flower that has been watered and nurtured with love, must feel. with its blossom and the warm sunshine caressing her soft petals and face. I feel like that. I feel like how a woman is, when she's loved, and when she's happy. and i am so very grateful for this.
Perhaps, these are growing pains. Perhaps being a woman is to learn and to feel and to go through all this. My awareness is a blessing. I chose to never go unconscious of it. I chose to embrace my core. My being. To understand my soul and to know what i am all about. I want to be a woman who is feminine. But who can be masculine when she's out and about dealing with the world. I am a strong woman. I chose to love. I chose to risk my heart because i believe that i will be fine no matter what happens. And because, i know that I will always be guided by a higher power than myself.
posted by Ms.X at
10:15 PM
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