Restless

My boyfriend is out of town this weekend. He is in the east coast visiting his friend and scouting out the place. This is the first time we've spent time apart in a sense that he's somewhere else and i'm here in the city. Its a long weekend and it felt strange to be without him. Beyond the usual i miss him, there's this sense of "offness" that i felt deep within me. I felt like i lost my anchor to reality and was thrown into my realm of reality. A gf of mine thinks its not good, because it means i'm codependent on him. But is this codependency? What is codependency? I know without a doubt that we can function and survive without each other in our lives. But having him in my life made me stronger. There's a sense of consistency and stability that comes from our relationship. I felt like i have a space where i could just grow spiritually and mentally and also to pursue and focus on my dreams and goals. WE have the same vision in regard to that. In addition, i am falling in love with him more each time. I felt like i'm a better person for having known him and that, i am much further in my journey because of him. I miss him terribly and i felt lonely and my heart felt restless without him. I have this fear that he might not want what i want in this life. I want to live in another place. In paris/london/new york. to absorb the culture and the life there. I want him to want it because one of my dreams is to have a man who i love to travel around the world. I want someone who can run along with me. My coach says that i should not worry about this and he suggested that i let my bf decide when the time comes. Of course, even to bring it up is scary, what if its the beginning of the end? BUt i do want to know the extent of depth in our relationship. i'm scared to relive that heartbreak again. It was singularly the worst experience in my life> it was almost like a depression.

I do love my boyfriend. I love him very much. I'm crazy about him. I'm also in love with him. I still cant wait to see him, i still felt that passion when we kissed or made love. His energy felt so complimentary to mine. He just let me be me and at the same time hold me to my highest potential. A person also once told me that the degree of passion you experience in a relationship is proportionate to the amount of fear and uncertainty you can tolerate in the relationship. I honestly dont know what will happen. And i spend so much of my time worrying about it , because i'm afraid of losing the love i have .But what is love if you want to put conditions on it? i dont want to love him like that. I want to love him with all my heart and soul, a love thats freeing and not binding. A love thats just is. And the first step to that is to accept the uncertainty of the situation.

Something strange happened to me today. I was watching the olympics race, especially michael phelps and i felt as if i was being awaken from a deep slumber. I looked around me. the situation i am in at work and i realized how unhappy i am to be here. I am ready to give up my greencard processing for a better opportunity. I am ready to jump ship but again, i realized that my ship is not there. I feel as if i have been holding myself back and distracting myself and trying to be ok. But, the truth is this is not ok. I want to do what i'm supposed to do, to inspire , to leave a mark in this world, to be happy, i want to be extraordinary. To compete. To defy the odds. Wealth is not the focus. I just want a simple lasting fulfillment and happiness. I feel like i need to be honest with myself. I dont see myself being with josh because i think i wanted to move and he doesnt want to. I feel that i cant do what i want to do in the bay area.I cant explain why, but i feel as if something is missing here. I'm done with this area. And it scares me because well, the pain thats associated with losing someone you love. I do know that he cant be my excuse of not doing anything or moving forward or living my dream. I dont want to just live a mediocre existence. I want something more than the usual. People might say i am stupid. But its not their call. Ultimately, i am responsible for the direction, the kind of life and most of all, to do what will make me the happiest.