monsters

I find that there's a lot of monsters that i have to face.
-self esteem- its almost the year end and I feel like i did not have a tangible result to show my family that i'm progressing.
-Staying true to my faith that the right thing to do is to find a job.
-being careful not to loop in my head about stuff. Being present enough to know to take a break when my intellect started to churn and wanted to just drop everything and to be unconscious.
-Keep holding my feet to the fire and to work the five oclock system methodically. Really keeping track and to keep networking and improving my communication skills, positioning myself in a good light, and learning how to write very effectively.
-TO get out there and meet people. Career fairs, and all sorts of resources and to not suddenly sabotage my efforts because i'm scared that somehow i'm not good enough and that everything will just blow up in my face. and i'll get hurt and sad and lonely.
-I find myself quietly judging j. I'm not impressed with his inability to just give the last push. He's so close. and i just find it weak and i wonder if i could be with someone who's so inconsistent. I wonder if he'll be succesful. I think the direction of the relationship will be even clearer come next year. I feel that i need to listen to myself more. I just dont want to be in a 3-4 year relationship if in the end, its not working out. I want to stay conscious even when its not pleasant or when its scary.
-To be kinder to myself and my limitations. I discovered that i can be too hard on myself with no premise.

A shift in awareness

I'm realizing a shift in my being these days. I am feeling more than i'm thinking. ANd i'm more aware of the subtleness of my body. my mood and my emotions. I'm feeling a little bit of resentment toward my bf. I'm wondering if he can handle me if i stop holding myself back. I feel like i have been holding myself back from him. My sexuality, my womanhood, my being. I"m afraid that i will be too much for him to bear and that he will leave. I think i've come to a point of decision and commitment that i must speak my truth. I must be my whole being. ANd i cannot be with someone who doesnt let me be my whole being. I"m not sure if this is self imposed. BUt i think i'm going to step it up and play a new realm in all of my relationships. I am unapologetically me. and perhaps this is why one taste has been on my mind lately. Its like a gentle reminder of where i should be feeling. and thinking. Combined with planning my life.

"there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." anais nin