In a difficult time such as this one, I feel like everything;every bullshit excuses that I have; every whiny emotion that I have is brought into light. I do not want to be just a talented unsuccessful person. I want to be the person I am meant to be by GOD. I have been living in such complacency, such comfort, such unconsicousness that I had become this person who is "settling." Only now do I feel as if I am growing. I feel growing pains and many emotions, however, I am convinced that this is what's supposed to happen to me right now. I want to take this opportunity to be better, to be outstanding, to push myself as humanely and to the best of my capability to achieve what I wanted. I just cannot keep reversing back into the role of self pity and wallowing in the emotion. I think its my way to not do what needs to be done. I will not let my emotions and my own perceived limitations to prevent me becoming the best of my ability. That is my resolve, That is my commitment. I will do everything, and anything that I can, within my reach, to get a job that not only pays well 20-30k more but also something that will align with what I want to do in the future. I want to be in more of a management or project management role, I dont want to perform experiments. I want to have variety. I want to interact with people and influence them. I want to be great and be in a great company (a well positioned, growth oriented company).

I will not rest until my time is up.

a time for growth

"I really could be with this guy. "Thats the thought that has been in my mind lately. So many things have happened in my life over the past few months. I was laid off from my job of almost 4 years last week and although its still a bit of a shock for me, i do believe that it is god's plan in the making. I feel like i'm free and that i'm allowed to dream of what i want to become already. And my dear boyfriend has been such a source of support and strength and inspiration for me. I could feel his love for me. His spirit with me and I felt closer with him. more connected and more in tune with him. He has taught me so much about what it means to truly love someone and what it means to be with someone. I feel myself opening up to him more and falling more in love with him. And there's this awareness from within me that is guiding me through the process of spiritual growth and learning curve. Growing pains, and fear and yet, knowing and having faith that this is exactly what must happen and that this is exactly what i need to grow and to move forward toward achieving everything that i have ever wanted.

I am preparing myself to battle. A fight with my own "perceived" limitations. A fight with my own fears and insecurities. I know that this is what i must do to achieve something so much greater than myself. I know that this is in my destiny. To change and to undergo metamorphosis to make me even more whole and beautiful as a being. I feel guided by god. I feel him close to my heart. I feel a lot of things, but I also feel and appreciate human kindness. That there are beautiful beings around me. So much goodness and warmth. Even though the world is so unpredictable and chaotic right now, there is this room for me to breathe. I feel expansive and like i could see glimmers of light not far from where i'm standing. I could listen to myself more and i feel like i'm cultivating more faith and courage. My practice is to be committed to optimism and patience. To be extremely focused on my goal and to allow myself to open and dream of more possibilities. I am not defined by my job. I am not defined by my posessions. I am not defined by my accomplishments. I am a force of life. A force to love and be kind to all living creatures. To appreciate the earth, nature and beauty. TO sustain and leave more beauty in this world. Not to destroy it. Beauty is not just a literal expression. Or a creation of things. Perhaps, there's this intangible beauty, in the aura of a person, a dog's joyful spirit, a baby's innocence, a kind heart, or this inherent knowing that the person next to you cares for you.