Hope Altar

2008 is less than a week away. I've been dreading it. I felt like i have no idea whatsoever how it will be like. I have no grip. It felt as if i'm rowing on the water of life and my only guide is the gentle currents to take me where i have to be. To where i'm supposed to be. I was freaking out the other day. about C. because i know my heart still belongs to him. I was freaking out because i do not want to carry this baggage into 2008. I want a fresh start. I want to leave all this behind me. I found my center and she told me that i don't have to worry about a thing. That she will take care of me. That I will be fine. Absolutely fine. And i find myself leaning against her. Embracing my core. And trusting so completely the part that makes me a strong, beautiful woman. I find myself able to just watch this old story. Because i still know i'm doing the right thing. That my love for myself is stronger than my love for validation. That i'm proud of myself because i know i have the strength to walk away when things dont work out. That I know no matter how hard it is, i am able to let go my love for someone when that love hurts me more than it rewards me. I know my strength and i know that i need a stronger man to meet me halfway.

For 2008, what do i hope for?
I hope for a year filled with love. Love with people i hold dear to my heart. Creating love with new friends. And making more friends. Friends who we could have a real connection. Where we can be open, where we can grow, where we just understood each other.
I hope for a year of more growth. More truth. More understanding and compassion toward myself. An amazing relationship with myself. All parts of me, mind, heart, body and soul. More patience and faith to my feminine side. More surrender to the amazing compassion and love from the universe.
I hope for a year of answers. Of hints of where i should go for my purpose. To get the life i wanted. to have a rich and fulfilling life. A career where i can use my masculine side to contribute, a relationship where i am nourished, where my feminine side is celebrated, loved and appreciated.
I hope for a man who is strong enough to catch me, who's compassionate and kind to me and other living creatures. Who has experienced hurt and pain, and yet still able to see the humor in life, who can still see the world with the innocence of a child. I hope for a great love, where we could nourish each other, support each other, take care each other for the amount of time we're supposed to learn from each other.
I hope for more acceptance of the things that i dont understand. Of the things that i have no control. And instead, learn to ride with it, and enjoy the ride.

I think 2008 will be a fabulous year. Hopefully, I will get all that i hoped for.

Merry christmas and Happy new year everyone. Love and light on your way.

Finally...

Last week, there was a moment in time where i felt a huge blow to my chest. A much needed blow to break open the heart who is still holding on to my first love and to set that part free. Suddenly I felt it. Right after a frustrating chatting session with C. Its the realization that I simply cannot be friends with him right now and that i dont know if i will ever be. Its the acceptance that i simply do not feel ok to listen to all his "adventures" and to see all his female "friends." Its the plain realization and the crystal clear acceptance that i do not deserve this. And so, everything rushed into me and i had a big tear -fest. The kind where you sob uncontrollably, where your brain cannot think ,where you cant speak and i was hugging myself and rocking back and forth. The memories of having someone there to hold me was so intense, and it made me ache so bad for that...there was this uncontrollable desire to call my ex. But, I know i cant...the strength born from me, i can't because i have promised to stay out of his life. Besides, who am i to disturb somebody else's happiness?

And so, i cried, the tears came out so readily that i wondered how i managed to keep them in for so long. It felt good. I cried and cried and i talked to a friend whose compassion and voice soothed me better than anyone else's. Her voice was so compassionate, that it went straight through me. She gave me strength. She also infused warmth and positive energy into me. It was hard. It was the first time, i felt acceptance, it was consicous choice. I am getting over C. I just won't endure more of this. I cant be friends with him and i keep imagining the judgments of me being such a baby. So emotionally immature, and so weepy and princessy. But, well, i'll take that judgments if it meant freedom from him. freedom from caring about him, freedom from having feelings for him and most of all, freedom of thinking about him. I'll take anything to be free from his almost unworldly like control over me. Its hard. .but, i'll be damned if i did not try.

Honesty

Note: This was written on 11/17/07. I came from a very honest space when i wrote this and would like to share it with you. This post was also written right after I gave advice to my ex. There is just so much truth in this post that could craft an ending to the saga of C. So, here goes:


Sometimes i wonder why i am able to dispense such wise advice to people but can't seem to pull myself out of a rut. Sometimes i feel like the biggest bullshitter in the world, trying to bullshit myself out. I am lonely as hell. I am still fighting my own demons. I still found myself clinging to a void thats shaped as C because he is the only one who has entered me deeper than anyone else has this year. But, somehow, the fucked up thing is that, my heart cannot hold it any longer. She is wanting to erase him from her heart's memory. Because, she has to let this one go. Because if she thinks of the night of halloween weekend, she just cannot possibly willingly subjected herself to that torture of having to watch him with other girls and getting worked up without release and lastly, to keep hearing him utter the words. " i cant give you what you want." she just cannot possibly go through the heartache of having to come down and out of the house and drive down vanness feeling like shit and crying. She just cant. Absolutely cannot. She keeps saying that she wants to be friends with him. But does she really? can she really be friends with a guy who she has fallen for? How can she be friends with someone who's eyes could trap her? How can she be friends with someone whose mere aura kept drawing her in effortlessly? and How can she be friends with someone whose kiss and touch keeps haunting her dreams? Perhaps acceptance is key here. Perhaps she just cannot be friends with him. Perhaps its just not written in the stars. Perhaps time is her only ally. She knows she's doing the right thing. She has found peace just by consciously saying that "yes. i'm letting him go." it doesnt make it easier one bit. But she knows it has and needs to be done. But, she hasn't stop caring. She still wants to know whats going on in his life .She still wants to hear his voice. talking to her about his passion. She still feels pangs of jealousy and pain when she remembered the way he told her about his girls. She knows that she's powerless when she's too close to him. So, she knows the only way to go forward is to stay away from him. Not that its hard, given that he doesnt care. He doesnt contact her. And it breaks her heart. It makes her sad. But, its the truth. And she must keep going forward and not look back. Do you want to know the fucked up thing? That she would see him if he asked her to. She would go spend time with him if chance presents itself. Even though she knows that she's gonna get hurt again.