Honesty

Note: This was written on 11/17/07. I came from a very honest space when i wrote this and would like to share it with you. This post was also written right after I gave advice to my ex. There is just so much truth in this post that could craft an ending to the saga of C. So, here goes:


Sometimes i wonder why i am able to dispense such wise advice to people but can't seem to pull myself out of a rut. Sometimes i feel like the biggest bullshitter in the world, trying to bullshit myself out. I am lonely as hell. I am still fighting my own demons. I still found myself clinging to a void thats shaped as C because he is the only one who has entered me deeper than anyone else has this year. But, somehow, the fucked up thing is that, my heart cannot hold it any longer. She is wanting to erase him from her heart's memory. Because, she has to let this one go. Because if she thinks of the night of halloween weekend, she just cannot possibly willingly subjected herself to that torture of having to watch him with other girls and getting worked up without release and lastly, to keep hearing him utter the words. " i cant give you what you want." she just cannot possibly go through the heartache of having to come down and out of the house and drive down vanness feeling like shit and crying. She just cant. Absolutely cannot. She keeps saying that she wants to be friends with him. But does she really? can she really be friends with a guy who she has fallen for? How can she be friends with someone who's eyes could trap her? How can she be friends with someone whose mere aura kept drawing her in effortlessly? and How can she be friends with someone whose kiss and touch keeps haunting her dreams? Perhaps acceptance is key here. Perhaps she just cannot be friends with him. Perhaps its just not written in the stars. Perhaps time is her only ally. She knows she's doing the right thing. She has found peace just by consciously saying that "yes. i'm letting him go." it doesnt make it easier one bit. But she knows it has and needs to be done. But, she hasn't stop caring. She still wants to know whats going on in his life .She still wants to hear his voice. talking to her about his passion. She still feels pangs of jealousy and pain when she remembered the way he told her about his girls. She knows that she's powerless when she's too close to him. So, she knows the only way to go forward is to stay away from him. Not that its hard, given that he doesnt care. He doesnt contact her. And it breaks her heart. It makes her sad. But, its the truth. And she must keep going forward and not look back. Do you want to know the fucked up thing? That she would see him if he asked her to. She would go spend time with him if chance presents itself. Even though she knows that she's gonna get hurt again.