Finally...

Last week, there was a moment in time where i felt a huge blow to my chest. A much needed blow to break open the heart who is still holding on to my first love and to set that part free. Suddenly I felt it. Right after a frustrating chatting session with C. Its the realization that I simply cannot be friends with him right now and that i dont know if i will ever be. Its the acceptance that i simply do not feel ok to listen to all his "adventures" and to see all his female "friends." Its the plain realization and the crystal clear acceptance that i do not deserve this. And so, everything rushed into me and i had a big tear -fest. The kind where you sob uncontrollably, where your brain cannot think ,where you cant speak and i was hugging myself and rocking back and forth. The memories of having someone there to hold me was so intense, and it made me ache so bad for that...there was this uncontrollable desire to call my ex. But, I know i cant...the strength born from me, i can't because i have promised to stay out of his life. Besides, who am i to disturb somebody else's happiness?

And so, i cried, the tears came out so readily that i wondered how i managed to keep them in for so long. It felt good. I cried and cried and i talked to a friend whose compassion and voice soothed me better than anyone else's. Her voice was so compassionate, that it went straight through me. She gave me strength. She also infused warmth and positive energy into me. It was hard. It was the first time, i felt acceptance, it was consicous choice. I am getting over C. I just won't endure more of this. I cant be friends with him and i keep imagining the judgments of me being such a baby. So emotionally immature, and so weepy and princessy. But, well, i'll take that judgments if it meant freedom from him. freedom from caring about him, freedom from having feelings for him and most of all, freedom of thinking about him. I'll take anything to be free from his almost unworldly like control over me. Its hard. .but, i'll be damned if i did not try.