I can still feel the traces of my old-self trying to come out. The me who was trapped within the boundaries of reality a few months ago. Its a constant struggle not to slip back into those moments, where I was just lost. Where the temptation to succumb to the sweet ignorance was so great.

There's an invisible chain still wrapped around me. Around my soul preventing me to explore. Preventing me to pull out a beautiful flower deep within me. I crave for knowledge, i crave for liberation. I want to dig deep, i want to take a journey deep inside and discover the beauty that resides within me. Too often, i feel that i'm oppressed unconsciously by what society demanded, by my own family whose intention is pure love. I let words, opinions seep inside my heart, inside my head, and make me lost some more when i should be the one figuring all this out. I can feel the answer inside me. I can taste the full liberation bubbling within me. I can almost touch it,but yet i have not. I think i know why i like TN. I think there are parts of his soul that just resonates with my own. There is a depth in him to which i am not afraid. Instead i feel that his depth can counteract mine and teach me some. I can see something in him, something beautiful, something untapped. Perhaps its this depth in which you have to be willing to risk everything to reach ,that drew me strongly to him. Could it be that my sheer frustration and pain associated with him are just because i am denying that i have fallen in love with this guy? Could it be that the best way to let go and move on is to accept that i have fallen in love with him, and just ride this feeling through. The heartache of unrequited love, the longing for his touch and lips, the jealousy when you think of him lavishing on other girls, the madness of why things cant be different. There's no point of being angry at circumstances played out. There's no point in blaming myself for taking a chance, for wanting to know what it was that i felt on the fateful night. There's absolutely no point in blaming myself for letting him inside my heart. It was beautiful. Each moment was beautiful and i had forgotten how to feel like that until he came around. I am thankful for that. Part of the reason why i am so sad still is because of my own selfishness. I wish there's more. I wish he is mine. I want him. I want to make him mine. Unfortunately, it just doesnt work that way.

"the quality of life wasn't in the faults you find amongst the living, but with seeing the true beauty of this world by looking through the layers of obscuring anger, greed, and pettiness that kept people from realizing what they truly have. "