Being honest

After a few weeks of going crazy over in my head over TN. I decided to take matters out in the open. During those weeks, i also learned more of what i want. I talked to him tonight on the phone. I wanted to know what are his feelings for me. I needed him to be honest and i got my answers. The reality is that It is one-sided. I like him more than he likes me. He doesnt want a commitment, i need a commitment, because i dont feel secure and i have been going back and forth with the "does he like me, does he like me not?" Truthfully, it is emotionally draining. I dont care what people says, i stopped playing games the minute i really like someone, and i needed to know if he will be there to catch me, because i dont want to like him more than i already have. Anyways, i do want a relationship. I do want to be with just one guy who makes me happy beyond words, who treats me well and who cherished me. I want to cuddle on sunday mornings, cook together, enjoy the sun together, drove out of town to a romantic place, watched sunsets, share laughter, all that good stuff. I do want a boyfriend. I am not a casual dater. I am not the kind of woman who can sleep around and feel nothing. I need to be protected, i need to feel safe, secure, loved. And why shouldnt i? I deserve it. :)

It was weird though, we had a good conversation. It was open, honest, and not at all awkward. In fact, there is an element of unseriousness in there, even though i know he is really listening. he is a good guy. He knows more of what i want even before i realized it. I guess, bottomline is we are going to be friends. He said that he like me more than a friend, but we are just on a different page. He wants something that i cant give. I want something that he cant give. He said he is going to call me next week, i ask "whats the point?", he said, " we can just hang out." I dont know what the fuck he means. I want to forget about him, and move on. I want him to just be a platonic friend. I can't do half and half. thats just gonna screw my head some more.

I am so proud of myself to be able to be honest and face the reality. Yeah, it sucks...yeah, it means i'll be lonely some more. But, at least, i am being real and strong. I believe the reward will be worth it.