*sigh*

I wonder why did i let him into my heart so soon? Why didn't i wait and see? Why did i just jump into it and now i'm left feeling the pain, the unrequited feelings all by myself. AGAIN. I brave the world every single day with a big smile, and at times i really thought, i am ok. The feelings are going to go away soon. But yet, at times of loneliness, of being just by myself, i felt doubts gripping my heart. I felt like i dont know why i'm faking all this. Am i really happy? Am i really feeling good? Am i just lying to myself because thats what keeps me going day by day? I know i have to persevere, i know i have to be true to my heart, but damn, its so hard. Its so hard to sit with these feelings. I go about my day, i interact with people, with friends and sometimes i wonder if they are feeling the same. Some of them wants the easy way out and found someone a minute later. Some of them, seems perfectly fine and strong. I wonder...if anyone of them ever felt like i do. I wonder if i'm stupid to be this emotional. i wonder how long this feeling will last. I wonder if i should kick myself for feeling like this when i'm sure he doesnt even think about me. I wonder if all those words he said were true, or were they just kindness coming out of him? I feel like i've been feeling like this for far too long. I'm tired. What am i suppose to do? If i retreat, nothing will ever change. If i keep going, how many more of this is down my way? How many more of this am i supposed to feel until i found him? I met all these guys everytime i go out. So far, i always managed to get at least one guy's attention who seems like the perfect guy. Who seems like someone who will treat you so right, who seems to want to give you all the world. But yet, how did i respond? "he's too nice. he's not arrogant enough. He's bla..bla..bla...there's always a "BUT." Why? Do i know too much of how its supposed to be? Do i know way too much of the best feelings when its done right? Am i pretty much sabotaging myself from all the good guys out there because of superficial reasons? My brother said something really interesting to me. "you like alpha males. And most of them are assholes." I retorted "really? i think i've liked just plain nice guys, just good guys." and he being the brother that he is, someone who's blunt to the point of annoyance proceeded making a list of the guys who i've liked in the past . And "yes, there's a truth to it." And i can only say "F*ck.... what am i supposed to do?" and then, there was silence without solution. I'm left wondering..yet again.