Love

If i want to be honest with myself, i do believe in true love. Love that withstands time, love that is real, true, unselfish and blinding. I was thinking about it, and i realized that love is a scary thing. It can make you feel so strong that you feel invincible, but at the same time it renders you extremely vulnerable. Love is elusive, a mystery, intoxicating, and a necessity... for i believe without love, life is not worth living. I think,Human beings are obsessed with love for the same reason that we do not understand it. We are so analytical about everything, we feel the need to know for sure, to control for we have big brains. we made Love to be so complicated when ....could it be that its really as simple as it is? I think it is the fear, the vulnerability, the unavoidable pain that no ointments/medicine can soothe that makes us, humans create all this massively intricate soap opera drama when it comes to dating and relationships. It is human nature. We try to protect ourselves, to find reason, to just analyze for it is easier and perhaps also kinder to our own souls. I still believe in the old-fashioned "when the time comes, the other half will come." which contradicted with the need for "picking up" chicks right? i do believe that dating, picking up chicks, prepared us for the one that is meant to be for us. I believe that sleeping with many people, playing the field wont give you the ultimate satisfaction, it will always leave you feeling empty. I believe that everyone, is ultimately seeking for true love, subconsciously or consciously. Its just that in this modern day and age, love is scoffed at and brushed lightly because it seems so fickle , so trivial when compared with the other more "important" things in life.

i want, no, i hope i find my true love in the not-so-distant future. I miss him and longed for him every single day. I wonder if my relationship, and my dating sprees are preparing me for him. Preparing me to love him. So i know what it means to truly love someone, to love someone without the bullshit. I wonder if i'm being prepared to be a woman who is worthy of him. To be a woman who knows more , understands herself, who is kind to the world, whose heart is open, and whose strength is far beyond her physical limitations. Who is still able to see the world through the eyes of a child's wonder. A woman with grace, passion, compassion and intelligence. I will be lonely until the time when we are finally together. I will probably be waiting for him until we met, even if it takes years, wrong turns and detours, i have faith that in the end, when i do meet him, i will know that we are meant to be.

So whats all these games for? a guy who plays games is perhaps afraid to fully embrace love. A guy who is afraid of a commitment is perhaps afraid to fall in love. Its not just the girl. The guys are probably feeling the same too. Sex, or banging hot chicks, could it be that it actually means that its the next best thing for a guy to hope for? for a guy who is quite simply doesnt have the courage to feel, to love a woman? in short, they are still little boys. Not a man.

I'm not saying that i'm above the general population here. I have been victims of my own thoughts, my own insecurities which resulted in playing Little games too. But right now, right at this second, with a calm heart, i could have sworn i could see things for what they are. The "real" stuff or dare i say, the truth ?

If i want to admit it, TN is in my heart already. I genuinely miss him, i think about him. However, i'm not ready to say the "L" word. To be honest, i do not know what i feel for him. I've only known him for a month. surely its not possible. I feel attached to him, open to him and without even realizing it, i let him into my heart. I cant even pinpoint when it happened. I feel the emotional connection, but i guess i am scared and hopeful. Perhaps , i hope so much that its real. And i am not sure he feels the same way, not sure if he thinks about me, if he misses me, if he lets me into his heart. And i am unconsiously still trying to protect myself because love like i said is a motherfucker.