today

My last post. I do not think i speak from whats really in my heart. I spoke from a place of trying to make sense of it all, when the reality is, I am scared to take responsibility of saying what i truly want from a man. I am not sure i have a real answer. I want love. Love that only a man can give. Love that defines you as a woman. So many times this year, i tried to be someone who i'm not. I explore my sexuality. I wonder if i could just have sex without love. If i could be satisfied body and soul with sex without emotion. The answer has proven to me that the sex i'm seeking comes with love. Comes with a price of opening and surrendering to love between man and woman. And i'm convinced now, more than ever, that i want a man who can give me this. There is some truth in my last post about what i want, about the "game" i play. About wanting the chemistry,the danger, but also, the safeness and fuzziness of love. I havent met a man, except one, who can dominate my "game." So there is truth. I'm not denying what i wrote, because thats how i felt in that moment. But i was appalled when i read it, and i had to ask myself again. "really, dear? is this the truth?"
My relationship with C is complicated at best. For those of you who have read my blog since the beginning C is TN. And most of my posts are about him. I have no idea if love is what i feel for him. Sometimes, i truly feel like i love him. Othertimes, i wonder if its just infatuation. Whatever it is, the only thing I know is true is that i have feelings for him and i have this intangible chemistry with him. Whenever he's around, i can't help myself. I feel like i lost my footing. I am not my usual "have it together, and in control" self. I never experience this with anyone. and its part of my addiction toward him. I have made the choice to let him go. But, somehow, the universe did not make it easy. I stopped expecting. I stopped contacting except for the rare texts. and somehow, like on monday, we saw each other again. It wasnt planned. And boy, i was nervous. I wasnt ready to see him, especially after i just got back. I feel like i havent had enough time to prepare myself.
Its becoming apparent that i can call it a game and see it as a game. Or i can stay true to my desire and my core. So that whatever game he's playing with me, i'm not going to get sucked into it. Or if i do play along, then, its all in good fun. Meaning, i am fully conscious of what i'm doing, what i'm getting into, and yet, owning my feelings. Yes, the interaction is delicious. Yes, i want to rip the girl who he talked to apart. Yes, i want to kill them all and have him all to myself. But that is just part of who i am. I am not apologizing for that emotion.I won't beg. I will never give him complete control unless i'm sure he's ready to plunge all the way. This feels good. I see no reason to be afraid to see him again. I see no reason to put up a wall. I see no reason to get nervous around him. I see no reason to hide. and i definitely see no reason why i cant play the interaction with him. So, at this phase, at this space, i feel my strength and my feminine speaking. Perhaps everything will be okay, afterall.