The unknown

My discovery today is that I am addicted to the sensations involved in my relationship with him. I secretly like it. The feelings of anticipation, the not-knowing, the jealousy, the hoping, the anger, the passion, the love, the infatuation, the charge, the waiting, the excitement, everything. It is a ride. It is exciting, it is painful and it does not make a damn sense. But still, i secretly love it. I love the sensations brought about involving him, including him and just interacting with him. I feel like a black panther with glistening green eyes, sinewy muscles eye-ing my prey. I feel the viciousness of jealousy when i saw him talked and flirt with other girls. Like a panther eye-ing my delicious meal. Someday i will have him. I will take my time to devour him. Someday. when the time is right. I will catch him. M's comment the other day about how i'm not ok with "the situation" threw me about the loop. I had doubts. And my old habit came up, creating stories of behaviors, of feelings. But now, i can say that I am ok with it. I can sit with these feelings. I sat with it. I felt the soft spot and i gently pry myself open when i tried to close down. Maybe i dont have to put every single thing in little boxes to make everything ok. What if, what if, its ok the way it is? All boundless, messy, fucked up and groundless?

you feel what you feel. You cant control emotions. But you can however, take responsibility of your feelings, your actions and most important thing, take care of your being.

I am nowhere closer to knowing the answer. I am nowhere closer to understanding my feelings for him. But perhaps in the not knowing, lies greater wisdom. And perhaps, the answer at this moment, right now, is to just let it be. Let it rest. I do not want to control the currents of life. I want to flow with it. getting tossed, and just FLOW with it. Fluidity. Is it the key to relax and open?

"In the middle way there is no reference point. The mind with no reference point does not resolve itself, does not fixate or grasp. How could we possibly have no reference point? To have no reference point would be to change a deep-seated habitual response to the world: wanting to make it work out one way or the other... As human beings not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However not only so we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution... We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity; one that challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is...the path of the warrior."