What i want and yearn the most is to be seen as who i am, to be heard and to be felt and noticed as who i am. He gave me all that before and i am still clinging to that memory of me being opened up, slowly surrendering to the sweet bliss. Holding onto that elusive image of being. Of validation that a man , a deep man notice me and wanted me. I am in love with him and my gut instincts is to let him go. All emotions come up. I keep hearing "she's aggressive in a very subtle way." " i want to be challenged. " My heart churns and clamped down. I couldnt connect with you. I hate you. Here i was baring all my heart, ready to open and surrender to you and you were not present with me. You were in over your head, reminiscing about that girl, and sexually wanting to fuck the married woman. YOu weren't with me. You weren't present. What am i? Just a female form to satiate your ego? Just to remind you of the xxx number of girls you've melted? I wondered if you only pursued me for the challenge of navigating my resistance? Were you ever sincere? Was all that a lie? was all that my imagination of real connection? emotional connection? I am angry, and yet i cant burst. I am sad and disappointed and feeling rejected, and yet, i cant cry. Whats wrong with me? I dont want to hold it all together, I want to be emotional, all wild , sappy, uncontrollable. I dont want to wait for a guy to handle me. How long do i have to wait before i slowly get crazy? I want to own my own desire, my own emotions. So that, when the right guy comes along, who is strong and deep enough to handle my depth and intensity , we can bypass all the bullshit and get right into the important stuff. The partnership and opening and receiving of love. I'm not interested in games anymore. I am interested in the dance of interaction. The dance of two souls.

MOtherfucker!! I want to scream my frustration. of longing, yearning and wanting something that i dont know if i can get.