Monday, September 24, 2007

Discovery

I am in love with someone who doesnt love me back. How it took me so long to finally be able to admit this feeling. But, somehow it all made sense. I do not want to deny it nor be angry and frustrated at myself for letting all this to happen. I don't want to rationalize it because you can't think your way out of feeling an emotion. I dont even know if he knows how i felt. Perhaps he does. Perhaps what i was trying to say to him the other night was those three little words of "I love you." Perhaps thats why i felt so intense afterwards because thats my body and my heart simultaneously admitting it. However, it is amazing because i still feel the center of my core, the center of my being amidst the tornado of emotions. My heart feels poignant and bittersweet. Of course, there is also sadness and hopes shattered, but somehow, i feel myself opening up. Surrendering to the force.I allow the feelings to wash over me, to spin me in a current without creating stories in my mind to block them.

Loving does not mean having. When you love, you just love. I don't want to be afraid of love. My desire is to love without expectations, without the feeling of need to have him all to myself. I want to be open to love so much that i can let the other person be free without suffocating him.

Who could have thought? He brought me back to life.

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