Anticipation

After the workshop, I felt a newfound connection with my body, with my heart and with myself. I know exactly what i want. I'm not ashamed to admit it and i will ask for it. Before i know it, i feel my hand taking out my cellphone and dialing his number. There was about a 5 minutes hesitation before i dialed. The mind creating stories of "playing the game right", "he doesnt like me anymore", "he might not pick up", "lets think about what you want to say." I caught these threads and dropped it. I needed this. I needed to hear his voice and to take a chance. I felt fear, insecurity,excitement, and heat in my body.

The phone rang. Once-twice-three times. I was so sure it will go to his voicemail and my mind was racing to think about what to say in his VM. A soft click and i heard his slow, low, smiling voice. A slight hint of that sexy accent, that seductive voice beckoning me.Enveloping me, and seemingly making me lost in the tone and vibration of his voice. I asked him to schedule a time to meet up, sometime this week. I told him i have something to say to him. He asked me, playfully, wanting to know what it is about. I held my ground with playfulness.

And now, the day is here. I felt anticipation, insecurity, excitement, happiness, fear that he will forget and he wont want to. My mind tries again to reason things out. To try to put blame on my being of wanting something so sinful and deemed "inappropriate." Over and over again, i let the thoughts go. I searched back again in my heart desires and the desire is to want to say this to him. To need to put it out there. To have no regrets. My mind tries to think about what to say, how it will play out. My body and my heart says not to worry. Just go with the flow, be aware, stay in your body. I want to say what i have to say with my body, with my eyes, with my touch and with my gesture. I want to use none of the verbal words to communicate my desire to him. Will he pick it up? will he act on it? Will he be repulsed? will he lost interest? will he lose respect? Will he squashed me when i'm in my most vulnerable state? OR will he light up? will he smile that slow seductive smile? will he look at me with that beautiful eyes of his filled with lust,pleasure and wonder? will he kiss me? will he touch me? will he hold me? will he take me to places i need to go?

My body is filled with a kaleidoscope of emotions. Amazingly, frustration is not one of them. Nor jealousy nor anger. I dont feel tight around my chest. I'm just breathing this sensation in and out. Just to feel, without judgment, without thinking.

Things will play out they way nature intended it to be. I am a small part of the maze and i'm just living up my existence.