Fear
When i was running today, I tried to listen to my deepest deepest emotions. One of the things that came up was that i have a fear, an insecurity that i will not be able to meet a guy as good as TN or my ex. It has been an unconscious thinking, swimming in between the layers of consciousness. One of the reasons i didnt catch it was because i simply cannot afford to think and believe it. Let alone to feel the fear. I sometimes forget that the surest way to let go of your fear is to simply face it. I often wonder if its a curse or a blessing to have met these particular guys. To have cross path with them and to have a relationship with each of them albeit they might not be exactly the same.
These two men are the few who i know truly love women. Truly appreciate and adores all the antics about women. These two men are also a big part in my personal growth. In my self discovery. I feel the need to cling to them. Not literally, but clinging to the idea of them, the memories of us, the feelings that they brought out of me. NO words could describe what i have experienced with each of them. It is all you ever dreamed of. It is all i have ever dreamed of. Its not a cookie-cutter relationship(s), but i feel that with each of them, i am closer to understanding what it truly means to love someone and to be with him. To love someone without the bullshit, to love someone so unselfishly and yet be free.
Today was hard for me. I can feel myself trying to close up again. To close down on my emotions, my heart's openness. At one point, i had to close my eyes to rest because my heart is feeling so much, almost too much pain, jealousy, illusions, sweet happiness, everything. I feel so exhausted. No wonder people like the mind. Because it prevents you from living. I refuse to close down, its better to open than closing down, because what is life without openness? what other way is there to live? to really truly live without regrets?I have come too far to go back to where i started. So, i'm sticking through the pain.
I met a guy on friday last week. He was an acquaintance and we made out heavily. I needed to give away my energy and he was willing to receive it. At one point, I knew he cant give me what i want. I knew more of what i want. I dont want to just have sexual intercourse, I want more than just sex, I want intimacy, a connection. It doesnt matter if its a relationship or not, because i dont care about the contract. And this guy, i feel him so closed up. His heart is so guarded. I really feel i could help opened him up, to bring him back to life. Alas, i'm not sure if he will let me.
And on saturday, i saw a friend who was blatantly saying he wanted to fuck me. He didnt really have to say it, i could see it in his eyes, but i felt almost resistant, not because my body didnt want to, not because i wasn't curious, but because i was trying to rationalize again. I was thinking all the stories, about how he has a gf, he knows TN and maybe this is just a contest of who's better at picking some chick up?what if he's just using me, and then brag of it out? I was way in my head. To tell the truth, there is a part of me who wanted to let him show me a good time, to indulge in this encounter and to see what happens. I am thirsty for excitement in my life, for passion, that crazy heated passion.
I guess my principles are just way too damn strong.
Damn, i am just really perceptive these days.
These two men are the few who i know truly love women. Truly appreciate and adores all the antics about women. These two men are also a big part in my personal growth. In my self discovery. I feel the need to cling to them. Not literally, but clinging to the idea of them, the memories of us, the feelings that they brought out of me. NO words could describe what i have experienced with each of them. It is all you ever dreamed of. It is all i have ever dreamed of. Its not a cookie-cutter relationship(s), but i feel that with each of them, i am closer to understanding what it truly means to love someone and to be with him. To love someone without the bullshit, to love someone so unselfishly and yet be free.
Today was hard for me. I can feel myself trying to close up again. To close down on my emotions, my heart's openness. At one point, i had to close my eyes to rest because my heart is feeling so much, almost too much pain, jealousy, illusions, sweet happiness, everything. I feel so exhausted. No wonder people like the mind. Because it prevents you from living. I refuse to close down, its better to open than closing down, because what is life without openness? what other way is there to live? to really truly live without regrets?I have come too far to go back to where i started. So, i'm sticking through the pain.
I met a guy on friday last week. He was an acquaintance and we made out heavily. I needed to give away my energy and he was willing to receive it. At one point, I knew he cant give me what i want. I knew more of what i want. I dont want to just have sexual intercourse, I want more than just sex, I want intimacy, a connection. It doesnt matter if its a relationship or not, because i dont care about the contract. And this guy, i feel him so closed up. His heart is so guarded. I really feel i could help opened him up, to bring him back to life. Alas, i'm not sure if he will let me.
And on saturday, i saw a friend who was blatantly saying he wanted to fuck me. He didnt really have to say it, i could see it in his eyes, but i felt almost resistant, not because my body didnt want to, not because i wasn't curious, but because i was trying to rationalize again. I was thinking all the stories, about how he has a gf, he knows TN and maybe this is just a contest of who's better at picking some chick up?what if he's just using me, and then brag of it out? I was way in my head. To tell the truth, there is a part of me who wanted to let him show me a good time, to indulge in this encounter and to see what happens. I am thirsty for excitement in my life, for passion, that crazy heated passion.
I guess my principles are just way too damn strong.
Damn, i am just really perceptive these days.
posted by Ms.X at
10:20 PM
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