A newcomer

I am feeling a lot in my body today. I only got 3-4 hours of sleep last night and the night before and still my body won't shut down. Its fucking turned on, and i did not expect this person to be able to do this to me. I am confused, scared, excited, buzzingly happy and just turned on. I feel like a desert which has finally tasted the rain after months of dryness, parchness and heat. I feel nourished and cherished. And my brain is trying to cope with this new experience. This unexpected encounter with a man who connected really well with me. There was no game. No lines. It felt honest and real from the start. I was attracted to him the second i laid eyes on him. And the "game" began. I'm comfortable being with him. Being around him. I am comfortable with the way he touched me and kissed me. I am comfortable with the spontaneous plans, the sharing of passion, the unexpected kiss in the elevator, or the unexpected hug from behind or him just inhaling my scent, smelling my hair and telling me the sensation he felt in his body. his text brought a smile to my lips. I am really really not sure why this is happening. It was beautiful. He was so good to me. He was so sweet to me. He respected my boundaries. He listened to me. And yet, I did not feel any weakness from him. I had a beautiful night with him, which turned into a beautiful morning. It felt like he had given me a gift. I really enjoyed his company. I do not want to fall into a pattern of seeing just what i want to see. I want to be conscious of everything thats happening. I want to stand tall and face whats the real truth underneath all what you see. This could be a good practice to apply what i have learned and to learn more about myself and connection.

I think my only question is , is this real? Is he for real? or was it all just a beautiful fantasy? I really do not have any expectations. I have hopes. stay tuned.

love

What is this feeling of lightness? of chains finally unbound. It felt so good to feel this happiness toward him. toward a guy with whom i've been obsessing over for the past 6 months. The day of the realization was when i wrote the last post. It was a confrontation of my own ego. An acceptance of my own ego. we chatted for pretty much the whole day today, on and off and this is the first time, i felt as if we were able to connect from an authentic place. I did not want anything from him. I did not expect anything from him. He told me all thats on his mind and his heart about this amazing woman who gave him something he has been looking for. Of course, it was mixed sensations through and through. From my ego wanting to be this woman, to plotting my next move to get him. But, i caught it, i notice it and i dissolved it. Another one was to want to be a victim...and again, i caught it.. I kept coming back to a clean and open space of heart to want to let him go, to want to feel a genuine happiness for this guy and i feel that whatever's coming out of my fingertips were spoken from my heart. I felt free. Another story was when i started thinking seriously, i dont feel jealous? But, i remembered what he said "do you always have to justify everything?" I felt jealous for what they have...but, it wasn't him..or her..just that experience that i crave. I love the fact that he's so much sweeter now. I dont feel like he's trying to prove something, or hide anything. I love the fact that he could talk to me and he was able to meet me halfway. I love the fact that he gave me a chance to connect with him. I love the fact that I'm ok. My feelings are clear. I want the best for him. I just want him to be happy. I feel the loosening grip of ego over my heart. I feel okay. Yes, i will always have a soft spot for this man. I love him. And why should i justify this feeling? I just do.

His is a kind of relationship i want to keep. I keep learning from him. I've been doing a lot of deep work inward. And for now, i can say with conviction that the only relationship that i want to have, is with myself.

Questions

I was just listening to the podcast that b, d and C did a year ago (i'm assuming), and his calm, soothing voice was just so good to hear. I feel like i've been trying to taint this whole "business" to restrict myself from something. From people's judgments of me from, my own turn-on. A lot of feelings came up listening to his voice.
I wonder why i had to be so extreme and bitter toward C when aside from a few egotistical episodes, he had shown me a beautiful time. A beautiful short period of time of joy, of sensual experience that my soul, my sex craved so very much after the terrible heartache of losing love. He never hurt me deliberately. He reminded me how to "feel." Made my body, my senses, my sex came alive. I had this egotistical desire to latch on to that, to chain him, to cage him so i could experience this for the rest of my life. When..... how is this selfish thing, i call love? Love is not about having, chaining. if i truly loved him, I ought to be able to have such a sincere, a genuine and open heart to let him be free. To take that sweet experience and cherish it, but to genuinely feel happy for him, to want him to be happy with his life, his woman (even if its not me), his purpose. Not to chain him, put him in a cage and chain him. How can i say i love him when i do not know how to love him? i learned so much of myself by letting him inside my heart, into my life. I learned a little bit more of what it means to be a feminine woman. I learned what it is thats important to me, to my life, to my heart. I learned about acceptance of my limitations. I learned to speak the truth and to see the truth and to be compassionate to myself. I learned the gentle reminder of my flaws as a human being, and that i am a beautiful person despite all my imperfections. I learned a lot of aspects, of layers of myself. I met beautiful souls. i learned about connection. why do i still play this bitter victimized role when this man gave so much to me already? Why do i feel that its not enough, that he still owes me more? Why do i still hold on to his memory when all i want to do is to let him go, with best wishes to the universe and to continue living this world? There is something that made me hold on to his memory. And that "something" is so elusive that i can't figure it out. I think the only thing that could set me free from his memory is to look inside of me. to face this truth...without flinching and to free my soul, my part of heart thats still clinging on to this memory. Could it be that this "thing" is this fear that when i let go of this memory, i would forget how to feel ? i would just defer back to those sad months of not feeling, of blindness, of despair? or is it the fear of forgetting that i could meet a man like this, this fear of meeting someone so mediocre that i got settled down? Or perhaps its the fear of forgetting to live in the moment. That life doesn't have to be a boring meaningless existence, that life could be fun, if you make it fun. He showed me so much. and i'm clinging to this memory of happiness, of freedom, of feeling so good, that i could not shake it. I close my eyes and my heart still flutters if i remembered the way he looked at me. If i remembered how he touched me, how he kissed me. If i remembered that one precious day in the summer when we went to the museum. I do not want to be bitter. I want to be free. I want to let go. Let go with an open heart, a smile and a genuineness of feelings toward this man. For only then, i believe i would be free.