love

What is this feeling of lightness? of chains finally unbound. It felt so good to feel this happiness toward him. toward a guy with whom i've been obsessing over for the past 6 months. The day of the realization was when i wrote the last post. It was a confrontation of my own ego. An acceptance of my own ego. we chatted for pretty much the whole day today, on and off and this is the first time, i felt as if we were able to connect from an authentic place. I did not want anything from him. I did not expect anything from him. He told me all thats on his mind and his heart about this amazing woman who gave him something he has been looking for. Of course, it was mixed sensations through and through. From my ego wanting to be this woman, to plotting my next move to get him. But, i caught it, i notice it and i dissolved it. Another one was to want to be a victim...and again, i caught it.. I kept coming back to a clean and open space of heart to want to let him go, to want to feel a genuine happiness for this guy and i feel that whatever's coming out of my fingertips were spoken from my heart. I felt free. Another story was when i started thinking seriously, i dont feel jealous? But, i remembered what he said "do you always have to justify everything?" I felt jealous for what they have...but, it wasn't him..or her..just that experience that i crave. I love the fact that he's so much sweeter now. I dont feel like he's trying to prove something, or hide anything. I love the fact that he could talk to me and he was able to meet me halfway. I love the fact that he gave me a chance to connect with him. I love the fact that I'm ok. My feelings are clear. I want the best for him. I just want him to be happy. I feel the loosening grip of ego over my heart. I feel okay. Yes, i will always have a soft spot for this man. I love him. And why should i justify this feeling? I just do.

His is a kind of relationship i want to keep. I keep learning from him. I've been doing a lot of deep work inward. And for now, i can say with conviction that the only relationship that i want to have, is with myself.