Questions

I was just listening to the podcast that b, d and C did a year ago (i'm assuming), and his calm, soothing voice was just so good to hear. I feel like i've been trying to taint this whole "business" to restrict myself from something. From people's judgments of me from, my own turn-on. A lot of feelings came up listening to his voice.
I wonder why i had to be so extreme and bitter toward C when aside from a few egotistical episodes, he had shown me a beautiful time. A beautiful short period of time of joy, of sensual experience that my soul, my sex craved so very much after the terrible heartache of losing love. He never hurt me deliberately. He reminded me how to "feel." Made my body, my senses, my sex came alive. I had this egotistical desire to latch on to that, to chain him, to cage him so i could experience this for the rest of my life. When..... how is this selfish thing, i call love? Love is not about having, chaining. if i truly loved him, I ought to be able to have such a sincere, a genuine and open heart to let him be free. To take that sweet experience and cherish it, but to genuinely feel happy for him, to want him to be happy with his life, his woman (even if its not me), his purpose. Not to chain him, put him in a cage and chain him. How can i say i love him when i do not know how to love him? i learned so much of myself by letting him inside my heart, into my life. I learned a little bit more of what it means to be a feminine woman. I learned what it is thats important to me, to my life, to my heart. I learned about acceptance of my limitations. I learned to speak the truth and to see the truth and to be compassionate to myself. I learned the gentle reminder of my flaws as a human being, and that i am a beautiful person despite all my imperfections. I learned a lot of aspects, of layers of myself. I met beautiful souls. i learned about connection. why do i still play this bitter victimized role when this man gave so much to me already? Why do i feel that its not enough, that he still owes me more? Why do i still hold on to his memory when all i want to do is to let him go, with best wishes to the universe and to continue living this world? There is something that made me hold on to his memory. And that "something" is so elusive that i can't figure it out. I think the only thing that could set me free from his memory is to look inside of me. to face this truth...without flinching and to free my soul, my part of heart thats still clinging on to this memory. Could it be that this "thing" is this fear that when i let go of this memory, i would forget how to feel ? i would just defer back to those sad months of not feeling, of blindness, of despair? or is it the fear of forgetting that i could meet a man like this, this fear of meeting someone so mediocre that i got settled down? Or perhaps its the fear of forgetting to live in the moment. That life doesn't have to be a boring meaningless existence, that life could be fun, if you make it fun. He showed me so much. and i'm clinging to this memory of happiness, of freedom, of feeling so good, that i could not shake it. I close my eyes and my heart still flutters if i remembered the way he looked at me. If i remembered how he touched me, how he kissed me. If i remembered that one precious day in the summer when we went to the museum. I do not want to be bitter. I want to be free. I want to let go. Let go with an open heart, a smile and a genuineness of feelings toward this man. For only then, i believe i would be free.