My heart

I often feel pressure. And perhaps it comes from within myself. A thirst to unravel my destiny. A hunger for something purposeful and meaningful that is meant for me to do. I feel like i have been working my brain off to figure it out, and it all backfired on me. as hard as i tried, the answer is not in my head. HAve i been looking at the wrong place? My heart is happy with a new man in my life and yet, it remains unfulfilled. Not because of him, but because i'm not living my passion. Because i'm not doing what i'm suppose to be doing. And i have no idea what this is. I am afraid to surrender fully to this man, for fear...i keep getting flashbacks of how my past relationship ended up badly. how my family hated him. I remembered the pain that it caused me. The pain, the anger, the confusion. I remembered how i cried myself to sleep, how i starved my soul became, how dart it was. And although intellectually i know that this is a different man, a different time, i was traumatized and i kept connecting this. I am afriad of getting too close to him, of falling more into him. Because as much as I long and yearn and hope for love and intimacy, i am twice as afraid to get hurt. I do not want to feel that pain anymore. I do not want to be in the darkness of hole anymore. I dont want to step my foot in there and feel the despair. I still want to push him away. And my brain often tries to save me from surrendering. And the irony is, I do not want to push him away. My little heart hopes for a different outcome with this one. Hopes for the possibilities of being together for a very long time. And that somehow, our lives will be synchronized to make "us" work. That this time, perhaps, destiny, lady luck and god will help us through any hardships, any obstacles, any tribulations that is inevitable.

I want a relationship. I want to try to make this relationship works. I want to live fully and enjoy him fully. I want to truly see him and love him for who he is. I want to have the courage to make a leap of faith even through the fear. And i want to believe in my own strength, in my intuition , in my core that what i want , i deserve. That what i need, i will get. and that, i will have everything that i ever want and i will know and have the determination, perseverance and tenacity to go after what I want and live a rich, happy and fulfilling life. Devoid of any push-and-pull of what I think "i want" i think" i should be doing" and always be true to myself.