These days, i feel like i'm having this internal struggle in me. I dont know how to handle it at times. It feels like my head and my heart are not in sync together. Right this second, i feel dissatisfaction inside my heart. I feel unmotivated,and i dont know what i want. I think I was trying to replace this discontentment with obsessing over TN. At one point, i wonder if I just like obsessing over him instead of truly liking him. I wanted to talk to him. For some reason. I have been trying to pinpoint what it is that i like about him, why is it so hard for me to just drop him like how i dropped google guy or bartender. Surely it cant be love. Its too soon. Alas, i cant figure it out.

I thought that perhaps this is what you call being sexually frustrated. Its been too damn long. I wanted to get laid. But at the same time, can i handle just sex without strings attached? What if i am actually like that, but am not ready to admit it. I know i'm very sexual as a woman. I keep it under a lid and with the right guy, its even shocking for me. And then, it brings me to the next question, do i want a commitment? a relationship? I cant say with enough conviction that i do. I feel like my life is still changing and i'm wary of committing to anything. I certainly do not want to hurt anybody. especially, good nice guys. I do not want pressure. I want fun,passion,company, but still retaining my independence.I do need him to treat me right, support me, but then, can i handle this? I want to get to know people and perhaps, during the exploratory period, i'll figure it out.

I think the hardest battle is with myself. With my mind. Sometimes, i like torturing myself , thinking that perhaps TN is this or that, perhaps it was all in my head. How can i deny the fact that we had that thing together? Could it be that its just as simple as timing? The lessons i'm trying to learn is to practice patience and faith.As someone so rational, stubborn and a believer in controlling everything (which contradicts rationality), i think the main reason of why i tend to obsess over things is because i cant control it. I absolutely have no power over it. And its hard for me to accept it. I want to grow more, be better, and hence, i think the first challenge i face is to control my obsessiveness.

a quote

I found this about love. From guess where? the bible. Go figure. :)

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

On another note, I know my last post is a little depressing. But today, I've decided to just get over it. I dont want to dwell in it anymore. I wil keep going, and will persevere. I am stronger than this. Ganbatte!!

*sigh*

I wonder why did i let him into my heart so soon? Why didn't i wait and see? Why did i just jump into it and now i'm left feeling the pain, the unrequited feelings all by myself. AGAIN. I brave the world every single day with a big smile, and at times i really thought, i am ok. The feelings are going to go away soon. But yet, at times of loneliness, of being just by myself, i felt doubts gripping my heart. I felt like i dont know why i'm faking all this. Am i really happy? Am i really feeling good? Am i just lying to myself because thats what keeps me going day by day? I know i have to persevere, i know i have to be true to my heart, but damn, its so hard. Its so hard to sit with these feelings. I go about my day, i interact with people, with friends and sometimes i wonder if they are feeling the same. Some of them wants the easy way out and found someone a minute later. Some of them, seems perfectly fine and strong. I wonder...if anyone of them ever felt like i do. I wonder if i'm stupid to be this emotional. i wonder how long this feeling will last. I wonder if i should kick myself for feeling like this when i'm sure he doesnt even think about me. I wonder if all those words he said were true, or were they just kindness coming out of him? I feel like i've been feeling like this for far too long. I'm tired. What am i suppose to do? If i retreat, nothing will ever change. If i keep going, how many more of this is down my way? How many more of this am i supposed to feel until i found him? I met all these guys everytime i go out. So far, i always managed to get at least one guy's attention who seems like the perfect guy. Who seems like someone who will treat you so right, who seems to want to give you all the world. But yet, how did i respond? "he's too nice. he's not arrogant enough. He's bla..bla..bla...there's always a "BUT." Why? Do i know too much of how its supposed to be? Do i know way too much of the best feelings when its done right? Am i pretty much sabotaging myself from all the good guys out there because of superficial reasons? My brother said something really interesting to me. "you like alpha males. And most of them are assholes." I retorted "really? i think i've liked just plain nice guys, just good guys." and he being the brother that he is, someone who's blunt to the point of annoyance proceeded making a list of the guys who i've liked in the past . And "yes, there's a truth to it." And i can only say "F*ck.... what am i supposed to do?" and then, there was silence without solution. I'm left wondering..yet again.

I am really drunk right now. But i want to write something to believe that i'm more honest. i can't stop thinking about TN . I texted him and never got a reply, and i was and am still upset. I am smitten with him. I like him. i dont know if its because i want him. I want to fuck him. Or is it because of desperation. I am just so curious about him, i want to tame him, but i know it doesnt work that way. I wonder what would be the best way to forget about him? I still dream about his kisses, what he tastes like, what he feels like, how he smelles like and how he made me feel. How ? and what am i supposed to do. My brain understood it clearly. we cant never work it out, but it makes it more romantic and i'm more stubborn. Is it time to wake up? are we just so wrong for each other? why then, did i decide to give him a chance? I trust my instincts more than anything. I trust it. I believe that we had a really strong connection that night, a strong chemistry. Could it be that he is afraid too? could it be that he's not ready and afraid of getting hurt again? from what i know about him, he is the type of person who feels deeply, who love s deeply, maybe he's scared too. There's nothing i can do about it. I cannot make a man love me, i cannot make a man want to be with me. EVeryday its a choice. I miss hearing/reading him call me baby, i miss hearing him being sexual with me. I miss everything. And i am mad at the result. I wonder if i did the wrong thing, for giving it a chance, for talking to him. I wonder if i ad it all wrong. I wonder if i made a mistake again and again. I just want, i just want to be happy and content. I just want to find a man who is a dream come true. I need to let this guy go. I need to have a bigger heart than this. We cant be together. I need to accept it.

Being honest

After a few weeks of going crazy over in my head over TN. I decided to take matters out in the open. During those weeks, i also learned more of what i want. I talked to him tonight on the phone. I wanted to know what are his feelings for me. I needed him to be honest and i got my answers. The reality is that It is one-sided. I like him more than he likes me. He doesnt want a commitment, i need a commitment, because i dont feel secure and i have been going back and forth with the "does he like me, does he like me not?" Truthfully, it is emotionally draining. I dont care what people says, i stopped playing games the minute i really like someone, and i needed to know if he will be there to catch me, because i dont want to like him more than i already have. Anyways, i do want a relationship. I do want to be with just one guy who makes me happy beyond words, who treats me well and who cherished me. I want to cuddle on sunday mornings, cook together, enjoy the sun together, drove out of town to a romantic place, watched sunsets, share laughter, all that good stuff. I do want a boyfriend. I am not a casual dater. I am not the kind of woman who can sleep around and feel nothing. I need to be protected, i need to feel safe, secure, loved. And why shouldnt i? I deserve it. :)

It was weird though, we had a good conversation. It was open, honest, and not at all awkward. In fact, there is an element of unseriousness in there, even though i know he is really listening. he is a good guy. He knows more of what i want even before i realized it. I guess, bottomline is we are going to be friends. He said that he like me more than a friend, but we are just on a different page. He wants something that i cant give. I want something that he cant give. He said he is going to call me next week, i ask "whats the point?", he said, " we can just hang out." I dont know what the fuck he means. I want to forget about him, and move on. I want him to just be a platonic friend. I can't do half and half. thats just gonna screw my head some more.

I am so proud of myself to be able to be honest and face the reality. Yeah, it sucks...yeah, it means i'll be lonely some more. But, at least, i am being real and strong. I believe the reward will be worth it.

Love

If i want to be honest with myself, i do believe in true love. Love that withstands time, love that is real, true, unselfish and blinding. I was thinking about it, and i realized that love is a scary thing. It can make you feel so strong that you feel invincible, but at the same time it renders you extremely vulnerable. Love is elusive, a mystery, intoxicating, and a necessity... for i believe without love, life is not worth living. I think,Human beings are obsessed with love for the same reason that we do not understand it. We are so analytical about everything, we feel the need to know for sure, to control for we have big brains. we made Love to be so complicated when ....could it be that its really as simple as it is? I think it is the fear, the vulnerability, the unavoidable pain that no ointments/medicine can soothe that makes us, humans create all this massively intricate soap opera drama when it comes to dating and relationships. It is human nature. We try to protect ourselves, to find reason, to just analyze for it is easier and perhaps also kinder to our own souls. I still believe in the old-fashioned "when the time comes, the other half will come." which contradicted with the need for "picking up" chicks right? i do believe that dating, picking up chicks, prepared us for the one that is meant to be for us. I believe that sleeping with many people, playing the field wont give you the ultimate satisfaction, it will always leave you feeling empty. I believe that everyone, is ultimately seeking for true love, subconsciously or consciously. Its just that in this modern day and age, love is scoffed at and brushed lightly because it seems so fickle , so trivial when compared with the other more "important" things in life.

i want, no, i hope i find my true love in the not-so-distant future. I miss him and longed for him every single day. I wonder if my relationship, and my dating sprees are preparing me for him. Preparing me to love him. So i know what it means to truly love someone, to love someone without the bullshit. I wonder if i'm being prepared to be a woman who is worthy of him. To be a woman who knows more , understands herself, who is kind to the world, whose heart is open, and whose strength is far beyond her physical limitations. Who is still able to see the world through the eyes of a child's wonder. A woman with grace, passion, compassion and intelligence. I will be lonely until the time when we are finally together. I will probably be waiting for him until we met, even if it takes years, wrong turns and detours, i have faith that in the end, when i do meet him, i will know that we are meant to be.

So whats all these games for? a guy who plays games is perhaps afraid to fully embrace love. A guy who is afraid of a commitment is perhaps afraid to fall in love. Its not just the girl. The guys are probably feeling the same too. Sex, or banging hot chicks, could it be that it actually means that its the next best thing for a guy to hope for? for a guy who is quite simply doesnt have the courage to feel, to love a woman? in short, they are still little boys. Not a man.

I'm not saying that i'm above the general population here. I have been victims of my own thoughts, my own insecurities which resulted in playing Little games too. But right now, right at this second, with a calm heart, i could have sworn i could see things for what they are. The "real" stuff or dare i say, the truth ?

If i want to admit it, TN is in my heart already. I genuinely miss him, i think about him. However, i'm not ready to say the "L" word. To be honest, i do not know what i feel for him. I've only known him for a month. surely its not possible. I feel attached to him, open to him and without even realizing it, i let him into my heart. I cant even pinpoint when it happened. I feel the emotional connection, but i guess i am scared and hopeful. Perhaps , i hope so much that its real. And i am not sure he feels the same way, not sure if he thinks about me, if he misses me, if he lets me into his heart. And i am unconsiously still trying to protect myself because love like i said is a motherfucker.

TN update

Sooo.....I am losing patience over TN. I think it wont be long before we're done. Ever since last sunday in which i thought we had an amazing time and better connection, he was acting differently. Now, of course, i'm not sure if its just my little "pink bunnies jumping in my head" talking, or if its real, but i've learned to trust my instincts when it comes to guys. I do not want to make any excuses for a guy's behavior. Its just crap and i dont need it. Normally he would text me , but this week, it was all IM. And also, i know he's dating other girls , because he brought one to a dinner in a friend's place. My friend wasn't very specific so i am still not sure what its all about. Long story short, it bugs me, but i still want to see him, i am still very curious. We Im'ed tuesday and wednesday for like 15 minutes and he pretty much told me what he was doing each night (i didn't ask). Anyways, didn't hear from him on thursday. On friday, i wanted to see him, so i texted him. He did text me (but it was like an hour and shit), and being very sexual. I was sexual with him back. I thought, what the heck, this is playing and i didnt care about the "game" anymore coz there's no way in hell i could be serious with this guy anyway. Plus, i was buzzed from the wine and the cigarette i had after dinner. So, after like 2 texts, my friend was tired and wanted to go home. I was to be honest a little horny and the possibility of seeing him, and kissing him was enough to make me swoon. So, i called him. No answer. So, i didnt do anything, no texts, no vm, not gonna call him again, drove home. As i was driving back home, he called and we talked. Nothing out of the ordinary here, just telling each other stuff, and told him i wanted to see him tonight. He said he was going to party with his friends and told me that he's going to call me if its not a guys night out. And he also said that "lets figure something out tomorrow." I knew that he wasn't going to call me that night, but didnt really care coz i was tired already. I did wait though while reading harry potter. Afterwards, i was like, screw it, i changed got into my pajamas and went to sleep. But lately, i havent been able to sleep because of him. Its like i'm constantly obsessing over him and i hated it. So, At about 2:30 am, he texted dirty to me. And since i was not asleep yet and feeling frisky myself, i played along with him. We texted back and forth (text sex..if there's such a thing), until about 4 am.

Went to sleep. feeling pretty good. Woke up today and totally thought that i would here back from him. And its now 5pm, and nada!. I'm like, what the fuck??? I dont appreciate this. Not being kept waiting, certainly not the bullshit. Its like if you still like me, see me, if not, tell me straight out. I dont need this bullshit. So, i've decided that i'm done waiting , i'm going out with my friends. This brought the whole dejavu to when i dated ryan. I am not falling into this crap again.

So, i am disappointed and there are times when i replayed everything in my head of what i could have done wrong, which was my mistake, am i not good enough for him ( i know , can you believe this??), and i thought about the other girls. Fuck it!. I'm done with it. This is not a fun game for me anymore, so i think i am actually ready to cut him loose. I just can't believe it though. I actually thought he has more grace than this.

Anyways, yep, i guess, i'm going to be without dating sprees for a while, which is completely fine. I dont want to have to always need dates. My mentality is, when I go out, i wanna have fun. If something happens, or if someone comes along, great! but if not, its ok too, i have other focus.

Honesty

I haven't been able to sleep well for the past week. Even though I was tired, my mind was racing. Last night, i finally realized that i've been stressing out over TN. And i was thinking to myself that i need to write some stuff down before i go to bed. I didnt want to bring any of that into my slumber. I was able to be honest with myself. I could answer the questions of:
1. What am i afraid of?
2. What do i really want.

And after i wrote it all down, i was able to sleep better.

Even though i know what i want ultimately, i dont know if i'm ready to give my part yet. I dont know if i'm ready for the full emotional investment and the commitment. I feel that my life is so up-in-the-air that any commitment is not feasible right now. I'd rather just play it safe, have fun, get to know people and when i find the person, it would be okay.

The more i see it, I'm not sure if TN is someone who can give me what i want. I dont feel safe with him. I dont feel secure. Yeah, its fabulous when we are together, but i'm not sure it will be enough if i were to keep seeing him. I dont think i can just close one eye and keep wondering who he's with. I know in my head that we are not exclusive and that i am dating people too. But, if i would to be honest with myself, if my heart likes him, it doesn't matter how many other guys i dated. I would be thinking about him and i would be hurt if everytime i have to wonder who he's with or if this is the last i'll see of him. I want peace of mind, not some crazy roller coaster ride. I think i feel that there's more of a stake here because i like him more and more everytime i am with him.

Anyways, I'm trying to really feel it in my heart, to make a decision and to be brutally honest with myself. I dont want to think less of myself or change my perception of who i am just because i'm obsessing over him. Any guy would be lucky to be with me. I truly believe that. Whether He is TN or others, everything will work out for the best. I have to trust my instincts even if its not something that i'd like.

Wish me luck ya?