Happy Birthday to my first love

i miss the connection. The safe feeling inside your strong embrace. I miss curling up beside you in bed. I miss the warmth of your body. I miss sleeping in the nook. that little spot above your heart. i miss your scent. I miss having you to take care of me. I miss driving to your place. I even miss hunting for parking around there. I wish i was more mature. I wish i could just really enjoy my time with you towards the end. I wish i wasnt paralyzed in fear. The imminent fear of losing you. Losing love. I loved you with all my heart. I Loved you holding nothing back. I surrendered to love. And it was the most beautiful experience bestowed upon me. Those magical months of pure untouchable bliss. I had never felt so understood. I had never felt so protected. I had never felt so not-alone. At last, i thought, i was not lonely anymore after years of fighting this. I thought you were a gift from the heavens above. There were so many things that i would do differently if i could turn back time. I would appreciate you more. I would support your purpose completely instead of wishing you were someone different. I'm sorry for those hellish times. I'm sorry for the pain i have caused you. I'm sorry for making you sad. I'm sorry for losing myself. You are one in a million. You are a treasure. Your woman is very lucky to have you and i hope she knows it and shows her love. I hope she makes you happy. I hope she gives you everything you have ever wanted. I hope she appreciates you.

Its your birthday overthere isnt it? I feel that its time i let you go completely. Its time i set you free from my heart. Its been one year. and i dont want to keep you in my heart, because i know i wont find a substitute for you. I want to be able to start fresh and anew with a beginner's mind and heart. I dont want to look for your substitute. I want to be clean and pure to give and receive the next great love of my life. I need to cleanse. Cleanse the pain, the suffering, the longing of you. I cant let the memories haunt me anymore. So, i'm going to lock those memories in a wooden chest and store it safely in the recesses of my heart. There will always be a part of me who will love you forever. But, for now, i just feel i need to breathe.

Happy Birthday, my love. May all your dreams come true. May all the world's happiness be bestowed upon you and may you find what you're looking for.

today

My last post. I do not think i speak from whats really in my heart. I spoke from a place of trying to make sense of it all, when the reality is, I am scared to take responsibility of saying what i truly want from a man. I am not sure i have a real answer. I want love. Love that only a man can give. Love that defines you as a woman. So many times this year, i tried to be someone who i'm not. I explore my sexuality. I wonder if i could just have sex without love. If i could be satisfied body and soul with sex without emotion. The answer has proven to me that the sex i'm seeking comes with love. Comes with a price of opening and surrendering to love between man and woman. And i'm convinced now, more than ever, that i want a man who can give me this. There is some truth in my last post about what i want, about the "game" i play. About wanting the chemistry,the danger, but also, the safeness and fuzziness of love. I havent met a man, except one, who can dominate my "game." So there is truth. I'm not denying what i wrote, because thats how i felt in that moment. But i was appalled when i read it, and i had to ask myself again. "really, dear? is this the truth?"
My relationship with C is complicated at best. For those of you who have read my blog since the beginning C is TN. And most of my posts are about him. I have no idea if love is what i feel for him. Sometimes, i truly feel like i love him. Othertimes, i wonder if its just infatuation. Whatever it is, the only thing I know is true is that i have feelings for him and i have this intangible chemistry with him. Whenever he's around, i can't help myself. I feel like i lost my footing. I am not my usual "have it together, and in control" self. I never experience this with anyone. and its part of my addiction toward him. I have made the choice to let him go. But, somehow, the universe did not make it easy. I stopped expecting. I stopped contacting except for the rare texts. and somehow, like on monday, we saw each other again. It wasnt planned. And boy, i was nervous. I wasnt ready to see him, especially after i just got back. I feel like i havent had enough time to prepare myself.
Its becoming apparent that i can call it a game and see it as a game. Or i can stay true to my desire and my core. So that whatever game he's playing with me, i'm not going to get sucked into it. Or if i do play along, then, its all in good fun. Meaning, i am fully conscious of what i'm doing, what i'm getting into, and yet, owning my feelings. Yes, the interaction is delicious. Yes, i want to rip the girl who he talked to apart. Yes, i want to kill them all and have him all to myself. But that is just part of who i am. I am not apologizing for that emotion.I won't beg. I will never give him complete control unless i'm sure he's ready to plunge all the way. This feels good. I see no reason to be afraid to see him again. I see no reason to put up a wall. I see no reason to get nervous around him. I see no reason to hide. and i definitely see no reason why i cant play the interaction with him. So, at this phase, at this space, i feel my strength and my feminine speaking. Perhaps everything will be okay, afterall.

a clearer space

A question i've been asking myself. why do i want a man? I dont need them. Why do i want them? i want some real answers and all it comes down to is just for sex. They can give me sex and i want to be taken to places i've never been before in the sensual realm. I want a man because i want to be taken for a ride, because i cannot go to where i want to go by myself.I want to be taken for an Emotional and sexual experience. I dont care about commitment. I dont feel like i want a boyfriend. I dont want it safe. I want danger, mystery, addiction, passion and that intoxicating heady feeling when you're near him. That high energy. that chemistry.
I cried on monday, inside B's arms. He gave me comfort, sweet love and presence. Although it feels good, when its all over, i realized that i am not actually that sad. Its all been like a game. I play a certain role, and here's this prince to rescue me. And you know what? i am sick and tired of playing the princess game and having men come and give me what i want. Have them think its safe to be with me when they feel like they are in a nest filled with soft feathers. In actuality, they are in my soft palms with claws that could kill them. I play the princess role on the outside. Very often and very believable. Truth is, i have a vicious side to me. A dark side. I love control. I love playing mind games with these men. I Love seeing how they writhe to no avail and they all come down on their knees before me. I love collecting admirers and teasing them ,and then push them away. hurt them. I love inflicting pain. Mental/emotional pain to rouse even more desire toward me. C plays the same game. Perhaps thats why we're so in tune with each other. Perhaps thats the source of my endless fascination with him. He can match me and he knows not to give in. Because once he did, I win the game or perhaps we both win the game. I love the fact that he's not afraid of me. That he's not afraid to push my buttons and he's intentionally wanting me to lose my control. He wants to draw out that vicious side of me and my foul temper. He said he got turned on when i got mad at him. He loves to see my anger, to draw out the fire in me. He knows how to handle it and i like him more because of this. I love the fact that he could play the game to the same intensity or even more. I love the fact that he does not give me the control. He knows how to play and in turn, i keep coming back. Question is, How do i step up my game with him? How do i push his buttons and tease him mercilessly at his own game? What can i do with my body, with my eyes, with my touch and with my gesture to utterly make him lose his control, slowly and surely, without him noticing it? In other words,how can I use my feminine wiles to bend him to my will? without him realizing it?

Crave

My body misses your touch like the desert misses the rain. I miss the taste of your mouth, the feel of your lips molding into mine, as if we were two missing pieces of a puzzle. How is it that i always get weak in the knees when I relive the moments we shared together? I miss the feeling of joy when holding hands with you. When i find myself staring into your eyes. You have a pair of eyes that could reach out deep inside my soul. Almost unrelenting in a search to bring something out of me. I always feel naked when you look at me. Those golden pair of eyes, so intense, deep and mesmerizing. A pair of chameleon eyes, olive green with tints of gold. I find myself terrified to look into your eyes the last few times we were together because i feel like i would get trapped in them, and fall more in love with you. Its torture to always think about you. To always dream about you. Even when i know consciously that i cant have you. That these imaginations and dreams will stay the way they are. But i cant help but still feel for you. Still ache for you and still care for you. I hate myself so many times for feeling like this. But, all attempts of rationalizing drives me crazier. So, what can i do? i can only love you achingly, and let you go with an open heart. Even when it hurts like a biatch. I would not trade back a single moment spent with you. I would not trade back a single kiss with you.l I would sell my soul to have just one night of love with you. My chemistry to you is just like electric current. I never imagined its possible to feel like that. I have felt you even before i saw you. I remembered that bday party when i walked in the house, i could feel a tingling and buzzing all over my body , uncomprehensible and when i saw a split second of glimpse of your stature, i understood perfectly clear why i felt that. i felt you before i saw you. I found myself holding my breath, butterflies in my stomach, and energy charging all over my body. I cant even stand properly. It was fucking beautiful.

What are you looking for?

Ahh...the age-old question. What are you looking for? right now? in a man. There's a saying that if you want something, you have to ask. Even if its to the universe. Ask for exactly what you want. And let the universe know that. It will come to you.

So, here's a list of what i want in a man:

1. A GREAT kisser. I want to feel fireworks when his lips touched mine. I want to feel weak in the knees that i literally cant stand up and had to lean on him for support. I want passion. That heated passion that obliterates every line of reasoning in your mind.

2. A man who knows his purpose and is living it. Truly believe in it and works hard at it.

3. A man who will hold my hand when i'm sad. who will be there for me when i need someone to lean onto and who will lend me his strength when i lost mine.

4. A man who knows how to touch me at the right places. Who knows how to give me pleasure even beyond my wildest dreams. And when i'm in his arms, nothing else matters, but his touch and his kiss. I want to feel that time stand still when i'm in his arms and i want to feel that at that moment, nothing else exists but him and me, as if we will never die, as if we will be together for eternity.

5. A man who can handle me,emotionally. A man who won't run for the hills at the first sign of emotional tornado. But who could actually sit it through, and pull the reins when it gets crazy. A man who keeps his cool when i'm just being plain irrational, but who can talk to me and calm me down. A man who will stand up to me when i'm being just too extreme.

6. A man who is open to me with his heart. Open to me with his soul. Who is willing to let me into his heart, into his life. A man who is not afraid to love me. and claim my heart.

7. A man who understood me. without me having to explain every single thing to him. A man who just sees me for who i am. Who appreciates me for the woman i am and never fails to bring out the beauty in me even when i can't see it myself.

8. A man who is patient and kind. I want his eyes to shine with humor, with his good spirit and soul.

A kiss

I wanted to write about my sensations when i kiss this guy. The major player in my love story of this year. Last night, the voice in me spoke the truth. A very clear sounding "let me rest." And I will honor this request because its the right thing to do for the health of my being. The path that i must take is simply "letting go of this man." This wonderful man who has opened me and showed me whats possible. It is hard and it is sad to let him go and do it consciously without creating any justifications. I feel affection for this man. I support him unconditionally, but there comes a point in time where i just feel that this relationship is unhealthy for my well being. It feels as if i'm the one who's always giving and caring about him and i did not get anything kind in return. And hence, after what happened saturday night, i knew that i have reached the peak of my feelings for him. I have got no more to give. I do not want to be kept strung along. I need to take responsibility for myself. Two options are very clear;its either cutting off the relationship completely, or changing the nature of the relationship, meaning not acting upon any sexual impulses and definitely no physical touch. The chemistry/sexual tension between us is too damn strong. And he made me feel bad with his comments comparing me and B and the other coach. I realized that he has been a complete asshole on me, taking my kindness for granted and not appreciating me. And frankly, i am through with that kind of attitude.

So for one last time, i wanted to close my eyes and describe what it felt like to kiss him. What arises from my body. I want to write about this because i want to be able to look at it one day and relive it.

The moment his lips touched my mouth, his tongue is unapologetic in claiming me, snaking its way into my parted lips. Plunging and retreating , willing me to surrender everything. it feels as if we are two missing pieces of a puzzle. Our lips fit so perfectly. The shape, the taste and the movement are locked in a beautiful dance. A kiss so fatal that it blocked every line of reasoning in my brain. A kiss so sweet that nourished my heart. A kiss so dangerous that it could make you go mad. A kiss so promising that it made you want to sell your soul just to have one night of passion with him. A kiss so beautiful that I would not be complete if i had never experience it. A kiss thats worth a lifetime of waiting but at the same time, haunting your dreams forever. Like poison , it could kill you in a thousand deaths.Like an addiction, it will chain you for eternity. Every single time we kissed, passion rised up in an instant.Every single time, heat, passion, melt into one. Melting every single resistance in me, melting my knees. When you kissed me, its like the world stopped. All i care is your lips, your breath, your body, your hands, your scent right there...right that second...right that moment. Everything ceased to exist.

Thats exactly why i have to let you go. Every single sensation have to be let go. Because i know that what i need to do is to not to let you go as a person. But to let go of every sensation thats associated to you. How can i be ok i i keep feeding this addiction? Its just clear. "let me rest" and I am honoring this request by taking baby steps. And the first step is to stay away from you.

The unknown

My discovery today is that I am addicted to the sensations involved in my relationship with him. I secretly like it. The feelings of anticipation, the not-knowing, the jealousy, the hoping, the anger, the passion, the love, the infatuation, the charge, the waiting, the excitement, everything. It is a ride. It is exciting, it is painful and it does not make a damn sense. But still, i secretly love it. I love the sensations brought about involving him, including him and just interacting with him. I feel like a black panther with glistening green eyes, sinewy muscles eye-ing my prey. I feel the viciousness of jealousy when i saw him talked and flirt with other girls. Like a panther eye-ing my delicious meal. Someday i will have him. I will take my time to devour him. Someday. when the time is right. I will catch him. M's comment the other day about how i'm not ok with "the situation" threw me about the loop. I had doubts. And my old habit came up, creating stories of behaviors, of feelings. But now, i can say that I am ok with it. I can sit with these feelings. I sat with it. I felt the soft spot and i gently pry myself open when i tried to close down. Maybe i dont have to put every single thing in little boxes to make everything ok. What if, what if, its ok the way it is? All boundless, messy, fucked up and groundless?

you feel what you feel. You cant control emotions. But you can however, take responsibility of your feelings, your actions and most important thing, take care of your being.

I am nowhere closer to knowing the answer. I am nowhere closer to understanding my feelings for him. But perhaps in the not knowing, lies greater wisdom. And perhaps, the answer at this moment, right now, is to just let it be. Let it rest. I do not want to control the currents of life. I want to flow with it. getting tossed, and just FLOW with it. Fluidity. Is it the key to relax and open?

"In the middle way there is no reference point. The mind with no reference point does not resolve itself, does not fixate or grasp. How could we possibly have no reference point? To have no reference point would be to change a deep-seated habitual response to the world: wanting to make it work out one way or the other... As human beings not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However not only so we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution... We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity; one that challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is...the path of the warrior."