What i want and yearn the most is to be seen as who i am, to be heard and to be felt and noticed as who i am. He gave me all that before and i am still clinging to that memory of me being opened up, slowly surrendering to the sweet bliss. Holding onto that elusive image of being. Of validation that a man , a deep man notice me and wanted me. I am in love with him and my gut instincts is to let him go. All emotions come up. I keep hearing "she's aggressive in a very subtle way." " i want to be challenged. " My heart churns and clamped down. I couldnt connect with you. I hate you. Here i was baring all my heart, ready to open and surrender to you and you were not present with me. You were in over your head, reminiscing about that girl, and sexually wanting to fuck the married woman. YOu weren't with me. You weren't present. What am i? Just a female form to satiate your ego? Just to remind you of the xxx number of girls you've melted? I wondered if you only pursued me for the challenge of navigating my resistance? Were you ever sincere? Was all that a lie? was all that my imagination of real connection? emotional connection? I am angry, and yet i cant burst. I am sad and disappointed and feeling rejected, and yet, i cant cry. Whats wrong with me? I dont want to hold it all together, I want to be emotional, all wild , sappy, uncontrollable. I dont want to wait for a guy to handle me. How long do i have to wait before i slowly get crazy? I want to own my own desire, my own emotions. So that, when the right guy comes along, who is strong and deep enough to handle my depth and intensity , we can bypass all the bullshit and get right into the important stuff. The partnership and opening and receiving of love. I'm not interested in games anymore. I am interested in the dance of interaction. The dance of two souls.

MOtherfucker!! I want to scream my frustration. of longing, yearning and wanting something that i dont know if i can get.

Fear

When i was running today, I tried to listen to my deepest deepest emotions. One of the things that came up was that i have a fear, an insecurity that i will not be able to meet a guy as good as TN or my ex. It has been an unconscious thinking, swimming in between the layers of consciousness. One of the reasons i didnt catch it was because i simply cannot afford to think and believe it. Let alone to feel the fear. I sometimes forget that the surest way to let go of your fear is to simply face it. I often wonder if its a curse or a blessing to have met these particular guys. To have cross path with them and to have a relationship with each of them albeit they might not be exactly the same.

These two men are the few who i know truly love women. Truly appreciate and adores all the antics about women. These two men are also a big part in my personal growth. In my self discovery. I feel the need to cling to them. Not literally, but clinging to the idea of them, the memories of us, the feelings that they brought out of me. NO words could describe what i have experienced with each of them. It is all you ever dreamed of. It is all i have ever dreamed of. Its not a cookie-cutter relationship(s), but i feel that with each of them, i am closer to understanding what it truly means to love someone and to be with him. To love someone without the bullshit, to love someone so unselfishly and yet be free.

Today was hard for me. I can feel myself trying to close up again. To close down on my emotions, my heart's openness. At one point, i had to close my eyes to rest because my heart is feeling so much, almost too much pain, jealousy, illusions, sweet happiness, everything. I feel so exhausted. No wonder people like the mind. Because it prevents you from living. I refuse to close down, its better to open than closing down, because what is life without openness? what other way is there to live? to really truly live without regrets?I have come too far to go back to where i started. So, i'm sticking through the pain.

I met a guy on friday last week. He was an acquaintance and we made out heavily. I needed to give away my energy and he was willing to receive it. At one point, I knew he cant give me what i want. I knew more of what i want. I dont want to just have sexual intercourse, I want more than just sex, I want intimacy, a connection. It doesnt matter if its a relationship or not, because i dont care about the contract. And this guy, i feel him so closed up. His heart is so guarded. I really feel i could help opened him up, to bring him back to life. Alas, i'm not sure if he will let me.

And on saturday, i saw a friend who was blatantly saying he wanted to fuck me. He didnt really have to say it, i could see it in his eyes, but i felt almost resistant, not because my body didnt want to, not because i wasn't curious, but because i was trying to rationalize again. I was thinking all the stories, about how he has a gf, he knows TN and maybe this is just a contest of who's better at picking some chick up?what if he's just using me, and then brag of it out? I was way in my head. To tell the truth, there is a part of me who wanted to let him show me a good time, to indulge in this encounter and to see what happens. I am thirsty for excitement in my life, for passion, that crazy heated passion.

I guess my principles are just way too damn strong.
Damn, i am just really perceptive these days.

Discovery

I am in love with someone who doesnt love me back. How it took me so long to finally be able to admit this feeling. But, somehow it all made sense. I do not want to deny it nor be angry and frustrated at myself for letting all this to happen. I don't want to rationalize it because you can't think your way out of feeling an emotion. I dont even know if he knows how i felt. Perhaps he does. Perhaps what i was trying to say to him the other night was those three little words of "I love you." Perhaps thats why i felt so intense afterwards because thats my body and my heart simultaneously admitting it. However, it is amazing because i still feel the center of my core, the center of my being amidst the tornado of emotions. My heart feels poignant and bittersweet. Of course, there is also sadness and hopes shattered, but somehow, i feel myself opening up. Surrendering to the force.I allow the feelings to wash over me, to spin me in a current without creating stories in my mind to block them.

Loving does not mean having. When you love, you just love. I don't want to be afraid of love. My desire is to love without expectations, without the feeling of need to have him all to myself. I want to be open to love so much that i can let the other person be free without suffocating him.

Who could have thought? He brought me back to life.

Anticipation

After the workshop, I felt a newfound connection with my body, with my heart and with myself. I know exactly what i want. I'm not ashamed to admit it and i will ask for it. Before i know it, i feel my hand taking out my cellphone and dialing his number. There was about a 5 minutes hesitation before i dialed. The mind creating stories of "playing the game right", "he doesnt like me anymore", "he might not pick up", "lets think about what you want to say." I caught these threads and dropped it. I needed this. I needed to hear his voice and to take a chance. I felt fear, insecurity,excitement, and heat in my body.

The phone rang. Once-twice-three times. I was so sure it will go to his voicemail and my mind was racing to think about what to say in his VM. A soft click and i heard his slow, low, smiling voice. A slight hint of that sexy accent, that seductive voice beckoning me.Enveloping me, and seemingly making me lost in the tone and vibration of his voice. I asked him to schedule a time to meet up, sometime this week. I told him i have something to say to him. He asked me, playfully, wanting to know what it is about. I held my ground with playfulness.

And now, the day is here. I felt anticipation, insecurity, excitement, happiness, fear that he will forget and he wont want to. My mind tries again to reason things out. To try to put blame on my being of wanting something so sinful and deemed "inappropriate." Over and over again, i let the thoughts go. I searched back again in my heart desires and the desire is to want to say this to him. To need to put it out there. To have no regrets. My mind tries to think about what to say, how it will play out. My body and my heart says not to worry. Just go with the flow, be aware, stay in your body. I want to say what i have to say with my body, with my eyes, with my touch and with my gesture. I want to use none of the verbal words to communicate my desire to him. Will he pick it up? will he act on it? Will he be repulsed? will he lost interest? will he lose respect? Will he squashed me when i'm in my most vulnerable state? OR will he light up? will he smile that slow seductive smile? will he look at me with that beautiful eyes of his filled with lust,pleasure and wonder? will he kiss me? will he touch me? will he hold me? will he take me to places i need to go?

My body is filled with a kaleidoscope of emotions. Amazingly, frustration is not one of them. Nor jealousy nor anger. I dont feel tight around my chest. I'm just breathing this sensation in and out. Just to feel, without judgment, without thinking.

Things will play out they way nature intended it to be. I am a small part of the maze and i'm just living up my existence.

what i want for my birthday

My birthday is next month. And i know exactly what i want. This is the first time i've actually wanted something for my birthday, something thats not tangible, not physical, not in the likes of new shoes (although a pair of louboutin heels would be nice), new clothes, or new purses. What i want is so intangible and oh-so-sensual that its almost sinful. I almost felt guilty of it, but it is my heart's desire. So here goes, for my birthday, I want a man to make me feel like a woman. even if it is just one night, even if its a handsome stranger who is only in town for one night and i never see him again. I want a night of pure sensual pleasure. Of not thinking of anything, i want all of my senses flooded with ecstasy and i want someone who can take me to reach new heights, who can make feel nothing but him, who makes my mind go blank, who is just there in the moment, sharing it with me. Of course the preconditions are just that i asked to have chemistry with this man and that we have to be strongly attracted to each other and treats me accordingly.

A girl can dream right? Thats exactly what i want for my 24th birthday next month. I've never actually asked for anything but the usual stuff for my birthday (the usual, health and happiness, etc, never something this specific..i guess this means that i am more grown up now, huh?). The past two years, my birthday hasnt been that great. I cried on both birthdays. When i turned 22, i cried because of this guy who i was totally in this huge crush, but he never said happy birthday even though i've reminded him like a gazillion times. When i turned 23, my relationship with my first love was coming to an end. And so, i think its of no wonder that i am feeling apprehensive and anxious to welcome my upcoming birthday. I am afraid to hope too much, i didnt dare to want too much, i just didnt want to think about it. I figure if i dont hope or want anything, then at least, i wouldnt cry again this time around. I would be ok and accept the day as it is. But of course, i am in denial. Of course i want a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY this year. A day where i feel loved, alive, and just HAPPY. I'm not sure if i can though. I'm afraid i would be thinking about how i still feel this empty void, how i have no love in my life, and how i dont have a man in my life. Thats enough to crush any girl on her birthday. No romantic dinner dates, no flowers, no teddy bears, no presents. I know its against the very law of independent young woman, but i am afterall a woman, an emotional one too.

I guess, i can only hope for the best and have faith that things will turn out okay. Perhaps, this is part of the journey to discover more of who i am.

I leave you with this beautiful essay i found on a blog.

We spent the night in Serenity. Your lips exploring every inch of me. Your hands never leaving my body.

What are you running towards. Serenity. What does Serenity look like. Like this moment. Whats the way to your heart. Youre already there. How does one stay in your heart. You already are. Your words ring in my ears, like whispers from a lifetime before and Im afraid to listen or itll disappear.

I can loose myself in your touch forever. I can loose my fears in your eyes, my heart in your words, my self in your kisses. It feels so real it scares me and Im afraid to sleep for fear of waking to find you gone. I try not to hold on too tight or youre leave, and I want to hold on tight or youll leave.

Im afraid to feel too much or itll be taken from me. Im afraid to loose myself in you. One cant have too much of a good thing.

Your touch like warm melting butter spreads through my body, igniting fire down to my toes and up my spine. We transcend higher beyond my body and higher still into the sky and higher still into the infinite stars. My body explodes in white light fusing energy into your body and we become one. You hold me as we drift in pure white stillness. Silence; time stops. My body floats in the ocean, silent waves rocking back and forth, my heart stops and I die a thousand deaths, molding into your soul.

My world shook, and tumbled, and rebuilt itself. And all the while I know youre not mine to keep. So I create these stories, these illusions, to hold you as we were, to keep us in Serenity

Longing

I wish i could talk to you. I miss having the connection with you. My mind often wondered to you. What you're doing, what your expression is like, what your mind is thinking. Did i ever cross your mind? or was i just another girl for your conquest? I wonder when i think about you, can you feel it? I still think our paths will cross again. How and when is beyond my comprehension. We live in two different worlds where under normal circumstances, we would never have met, let alone talk and have an emotional connection. Somehow, i feel that my story with you is not done yet. There's no way a beautiful connection like ours will just stay there untouched. Like there's this beautiful veil covering something magical. Or could it? I'm learning to just ride the feelings out. I incorporate my yoga practice to this. Its still hard sometimes, but i feel like i will slowly get better. I will slowly be able to just let go of my feelings for you. Who could have thought my feelings for you are still there. Who could have thought within that short period of time, i could feel this much for you. And how real it felt. I miss you.

Being a woman

A friend invited me to a talk at the mansion tonight. It was about sex. Its a seminar for mainly guys of how to own your sexuality and i was just there because i was curious. There was this exercise to awaken your erotic energy and i couldnt go through with it because i was just plain embarassed. I wasn't ready for it and i was uncomfortable being the only girl in the midst of all the guys who were there. I ended up staying for about 1/2 hour. But, those half hour makes me think about my own core, my own presence, my own sexuality. Being an asian who grew up in a traditional country, sexuality is repressed. Women are restricted to think about sex, let alone be sexual. We are taught that sex is wrong, that it is taboo and dirty and that good girls are not supposed to want or have sex. Seriously, i grew up fearing the penis, the thought that "sex is wrong" is deeply ingrained in my brain. It took me quite sometime to accept the fact that i am a very sexual girl. That i have passion and a libido thats not even quite to my understanding and that i love sex. I want to have plenty of sex and i want to explore the full potential of my sexuality. However, i feel that i'm still not quite comfortable with my own sexuality. My biggest challenge is that i think too much. I can't just let go, just feel the pleasure, just let myself be a sexual being of pure emotions and senses. I think i need to work on this deeply ingrained idea that "i'm not supposed to like this, or this or that. it really messes me up." because i want to have great sex, i want to be able to enjoy sex in its most primitive form. That uninhibited passion, the heat, the sweat, the urgency, the pure enjoyment of bodies. I want to be able to achieve an orgasm that will take you to the heavens above. Perhaps i dont even need a guy for this. Perhaps i can do something about it by reading Books, being aware and going to seminars and talks. I am striving to be a better person everyday. To know myself more, to find and understand my core being, to truly undertand the meaning of erotic empowerment. And to make the quality of my life better.

Life is not just about making money, getting good jobs. Life is making new discoveries, loving the world you live in and most of all, loving yourself. It took me a while to realize this about myself and i am not afraid to celebrate my femininity, my womanhood. I am pretty damn excited about this because this is a beautifully gilded door which i was too afraid to open and stepped inside. I will face this with an open heart, a love for myself and patience.

I can still feel the traces of my old-self trying to come out. The me who was trapped within the boundaries of reality a few months ago. Its a constant struggle not to slip back into those moments, where I was just lost. Where the temptation to succumb to the sweet ignorance was so great.

There's an invisible chain still wrapped around me. Around my soul preventing me to explore. Preventing me to pull out a beautiful flower deep within me. I crave for knowledge, i crave for liberation. I want to dig deep, i want to take a journey deep inside and discover the beauty that resides within me. Too often, i feel that i'm oppressed unconsciously by what society demanded, by my own family whose intention is pure love. I let words, opinions seep inside my heart, inside my head, and make me lost some more when i should be the one figuring all this out. I can feel the answer inside me. I can taste the full liberation bubbling within me. I can almost touch it,but yet i have not. I think i know why i like TN. I think there are parts of his soul that just resonates with my own. There is a depth in him to which i am not afraid. Instead i feel that his depth can counteract mine and teach me some. I can see something in him, something beautiful, something untapped. Perhaps its this depth in which you have to be willing to risk everything to reach ,that drew me strongly to him. Could it be that my sheer frustration and pain associated with him are just because i am denying that i have fallen in love with this guy? Could it be that the best way to let go and move on is to accept that i have fallen in love with him, and just ride this feeling through. The heartache of unrequited love, the longing for his touch and lips, the jealousy when you think of him lavishing on other girls, the madness of why things cant be different. There's no point of being angry at circumstances played out. There's no point in blaming myself for taking a chance, for wanting to know what it was that i felt on the fateful night. There's absolutely no point in blaming myself for letting him inside my heart. It was beautiful. Each moment was beautiful and i had forgotten how to feel like that until he came around. I am thankful for that. Part of the reason why i am so sad still is because of my own selfishness. I wish there's more. I wish he is mine. I want him. I want to make him mine. Unfortunately, it just doesnt work that way.

"the quality of life wasn't in the faults you find amongst the living, but with seeing the true beauty of this world by looking through the layers of obscuring anger, greed, and pettiness that kept people from realizing what they truly have. "