Perfect weekend

I feel like my heart will burst with joy. I feel so peaceful and buzzingly happy in every fiber of my being. I feel the sweet oblivion when time seems to flow by and i am enjoying every single minute, every single second of it. I feel so much good emotion, its bursting out of me, enveloping everything around me.

How is this possible? Its amazing how open i can be with him, how in sync it feels with him. How right it feels when we are together. He took me to places i've never been, and then some. I can't help but feel like i'm under a spell when i'm with him. An intoxicating spell of pure untouchable happiness. No worries, just fun and enjoying each other.

Am I falling in love? I dont know if its good, i dont know if its bad. All i know is that when i'm with him, I feel like the best of me.I feel understood, cared for, and most of all i can be myself, my spirit, my soul, my emotions. its all real, honest, no bullshit. I feel like i can get lost in him, his eyes, his voice. I am trying to understand him, foregoing my selfishness. I dont know how this will end. I do know that i want to enjoy every single second of this while it lasts. I know too well that i cannot expect anything more. All i can do, in this ever changing life, is to make the best out of it because the moment, the memory, the experience will be something that i'll treasure forever. Everytime i hang out with him, i feel that i learn more and more about him. His soul, his heart, his dream, his past,his hope, his ambition, what makes him unique, why i'm drawn to him, why he's him. I am understanding more that as human, i can't help but feel like i want to have him all to my own. However, he's mine if he wants to be. His spirit has to run free, he can do whatever he wants, whatever his heart desires, because to be with someone is to be able to let their soul and spirit be free. You can only hope for the best, or not hope at all, but to enjoy...enjoy this particular slice of time when everything seems just wonderful.

1 or 2 more episodes of google guy finale

Last night i was this close of breaking it off with google guy.THis close. I could feel the words bubbling out of my mouth, but then, i did not. Somehow i just felt really bad. He noticed that i was trying to say something,and i could have sworn he knew what was coming, but somehow, i could not do it. All that came out of my mouth was "so, what are we?" and then, i was trying to break it off with the whole "maybe we are not on the same page" conversation. What the f was i thinking? It was a feeble attempt on my part, i'd acknowledge that. I also proceeded to tell him that i just want to have fun, i dont want a relationship (in the hopes that he wants a relationship, and so, we can shake hands and be friends). And then he said, "you're pretty reserved for just having fun." I wasn't sure what he meant, but this morning, i think what he meant was, "you just want to have fun, but you are not easy." I dont know. And also i felt obliged to make out with him. Isn't this bad? well, he took me to dinner, and i genuinely had a good time with him. I enjoyed his company, but thats about the extent of it. I am not drawn to him, not attracted to him, and absolutely cannot imagine having sex with him. *sigh* i really do have to break it off.
I was thinking of calling him today to give the speech, but i realized that one of my favorite earrings fell while i was in his car. So, i have to get that first before i dump him. And another thing, i found out that he's not sexual through the conversation.
So, what is the best line to dump him:
- I'm sorry, i dont think this is going to work out. I dont feel the same way.
-I'm into someone else.
-Lets just be friends.
-You're a great guy,but i just dont feel chemistry with you. I enjoy your company, but i just dont see you in a sexy way.
-I'm not attracted to you. I dont feel like i want to ever jump in the sack with you.
-You're too uptight. I need someone who's more fun.

Arghhh...is there even a good way to do this? I thought about not answering his calls, or any attempts he made to contact me in the near future. But then, i thought to myself i owe this to him. The least i can do is to be honest. If i were in his shoes, i'd rather someone tell it to my face than take the coward way out.

So, any suggestions?

too much thinking

How should i describe how i feel right this second? My head is filled with thoughts of TN. I know, i do like him a lot. But, then, i'm trying to create some space away from him. I haven't seen him for a few days already. We usually see each other about twice a week, but this week, after much effort, i've decided to hold off seeing him until saturday. I just feel that i need time to organize my feelings before feeling helplessly sucked into him again. does this even make any sense? After much thinking , i came to the conclusion that if i want to keep seeing him, i need to forego any desire to want him to myself. I dont even know if i want thim as a boyfriend because i dont know him well enough. Part of the problem is i dont really know what i want right now. Do i want a relationship with one guy? or do i just want to meet people and see what happens? I'm inclined to say that the latter felt more comfortable. I do not want any pressure of a relationship, nor do i want to invest too much emotions into it. However, regardless, i feel that emotions will still be there. I am afterall, a girl.

A girl who is trying to control her emotions before its way too late.

Anyways, google guy finally called and asked me out on a date again a couple of days ago. Its probably gonna be the last. He's a nice guy, i dont want to keep stringing him along for no reason. I have dinner plans with him tomorrow. I plan on enjoying it, see what happens, if its still doesn't feel like there's anything there, then, i'm gonna tell him straight out.

I dont know why i'm feeling down today. Not sad per say, more like low energy. Its gloomy out. I feel empty. i miss that blissful joy when i was with the ex (before he moved cross country..when everything was just wonderful, it felt like a dream). Back to reality, i'm gonna focus my energy on other stuff. I dont want to have to rely on any guy for my fulfillment.

Fear

I am terrified of getting hurt again. Terrified of feeling the darkness in my soul for months when everything just doesn't make any sense. It was like moving through water in slow motion. Numb, soundless, blurry. I dont know how to break free of this fear. How do i let this go? I want to be able to embrace love again. I want to be able to take risks again. I have accepted what happened, but somehow i still feel the ghost of emotion so dark and sad that i'm just afraid its going to happen again. I dont think i can take two blows in one year. But the result would be , am i letting opportunities passed by? what if my next great love is right in front of me and i have no balls to reach out to him?

Maybe the key is self-introspection? I'm not sure what the answer is, or even if anyone can help me. It has to come from within myself. its getting late, i should go to sleep.

Annoyance

I am annoyed with boys. The "bartender" is giving me a lot of bullshit which makes me irritated and over him. On sunday night, he said that we were going to see a movie last night, and guess what? never heard from him. I mean, i honestly dont care. But, i just hate the fact that he's just saying it. U know, its like...why say it the first time? BUll shit!I have no tolerance for this kinda crap. And then, i was like, "Oh whatever", and deleted his number last night.Anyways, I got a text msg from him today pretty much telling me he's working at the restaurant and i should come. Are you fucking kidding me? does he really think i worship him? Anyways, yeah, this guy is soo outt!!

Google guy is still pretty sweet. On monday, he complimented me on my new profile picture on facebook. This morning, he sent me a link to rihanna's umbrella video. Did i mention that i'm totally in love with rihanna?? So, i thought it was so sweet of him to remember what i like. He's so thoughtful. But he still hasn't asked me out.I dont know whats going on with him either. *sigh*, i wish me and him have just a little something there u know? he'll make an awesome boyfriend.

TN is just annoyingly unpredictable. I really dont know whats gonna happen next when i'm with him or even without him. He would text me the sweetest message or the "hardly-subtle" sexual message and i never know when i'm gonna get it.It could be in the afternoon, or in the evening, a day after we saw each other or a few days. But, its all in a fun spirit you know? He just keeps me on my toes and i love it. the excitement, the fun spirit, and the annoyance.What i hate the most is that i feel like i dont have any control when i'm with him. Well, perhaps, i love and hate it. I am a control freak on other aspects of my life. And so, i want to not be in control when i'm with a guy i'm dating. (although i will never ever admit it).

So, i haven't gone out on dates for the past two nights and it is Sweet!! i got enough sleep, i work out, no drama whatsoever.I think i'm gonna try to see TN just on the weekends. Its way too tiring to do it on the weeknights coz everytime i'm with him, its hard to peel myself off of him. I just want to be with him. And i always ended up at work so late (we're talking 11 am here, and thankfully its a pretty easy job), and felt really exhausted. Which is weird because its not like i stayed up so late, but i think its more because we slept late and i woke up really early in the morning.

Anyways, i dont have any analysis to do here. I honestly dont know whats gonna happen next.So, stay tuned!

break

This is the first night since last week that i've had all to myself. I have been going on a dating spree for the past 6 nights and as glamorous and "sex and the city" as it sounds, its really damn tiring. I'm realizing that i don't want to be doing this continuously. Perhaps i'm just tired right now, but i think i'd rather go out with someone i really really like than to go out with multiple guys that i sorta like. Get what i mean? I mean, i dont need a guy to validate me. I want to go on a date only when it feels right. When i'm excited, not when i "think" i should and see what happens.

Anyhow, Its time to ask myself if i want to continue seeing all three guys. I'm sure of google guy. I think we just do not have it. Bartender, honestly, i'm not really into it. I think he kinda move things a little too weird physically. Well, actually one time, while we were kissing, and then, we're done kissing, i think he sorta rubbed himself with my hand. I knoww...gross..!! with TN, i like him the most, but i have this unsafe feeling around him. Its almost like i think he's going to hurt me in the end. He told me that he doesn't want a serious relationship because of his life situation (it is kinda fucked up). So, perhaps, i'm going to stop seeing all three altogether. I've decided to not go on dates for the next few days. I miss my "me" time. I just want to be by myself.

Interesting saturday night

Before you read: the first half of the post wass written on sunday morning at about 2 am. But i didn't finish it until today, which is tuesday, july 17th. I dont know how to update the stupid blogger time. So here goes:

I am dumping google guy. I went out with him tonight after dinner with friends and just had a terrible time. I dont know, perhaps its because of the fact that i'm slowly realizing that i am just not attracted to him and that there is zero chemistry. What sold me on it was when he was kissing me tonight and i just lay there. I didnt feel any passion, anything. It was just a cold realization that i'm just not turned on by him. In short, i do not want to get naked with him. Thats a pretty bad sign. Anyways, he acknowledged that it was a bad night and bla..bla..bla.. and suggested that we try one more time. I did say yes. But i'm pretty sure it will be the last. I just dont feel it with him. On a side note, I met another super cute guy tonight at the restaurant. The bartender at this upscale restaurant in the financial district. I can see it in his eyes that he wanted me, and so, after i washed my hands in his sink (don't ask, someone puked all over the sink in the ladies' bathroom), i came back the second time and started charming him. Long story short, he asked for my number. I went out with him on sunday for sushi and drinks. He is CUTE. He looks like the cute version of john cusack. The date went pretty well, we clicked and he has a pretty good game. Like he knows how to look at you and makes you feel comfortable. Also, an interesting fact was that he lived in my home country for about a year in 1998. I thought it was freakin awesome coincidence. I would never have guessed it. So, dinner was served, we paid, walked hand in hand and he went in for the kiss. I didnt know what to expect, but man, it was awkward. Like our lips did not really match. No fireworks either. Am i asking way too much here? And plus, i was thinking to myself "what the f was i thinking, he's a bartender!!. I mean, i found out that he's actually a wannabe movie producer." He has direct music videos and is trying to get a feature film of his own. But still, the hours are all messed up. So, anyways,i'm not sure what i'm gonna do with this one. I think i'm kinda burnt out from going on dates with these guys. If you think about it, i went out wed=google guy, thurs=TN, fri=friends,sat=google guy, sun=bartender, mon=TN. Oh my god, i think i should take a break. I need time for myself and think of what i want.

More on last night with TN soon.

Another fab date

How is it that everytime i see TN, i'm usually giddy for the next 2 days, and then it tapers off? Does this mean i'm falling in love with him? or is it just a temporary high? I had an amazing night with him last night. We literally spend 12 hours together. I didnt plan to stay over (and no, we didn't do it in case you were wondering). Its just that we drank 2 bottles of wine and then, i was too drunk to stand and i pretty much just sleep. It was funny how i slept so well considering its a new environment. new bed, new person next to me. I still remember when i was with my ex, i think i didn't even sleep that well that night. But then, perhaps it was the drunkeness that made me slept through the night. Anyways, i think we just have this great chemistry between us. like its almost unbearable. He was actually really sweet to me too aside from the continuous flirtations and teasings. its funny how things turned out. My most favorite moment is in the morning when i woke up, i felt really sick. so he suggested we get breakfast at this place around the corner. It was nice to step outside, hand in hand and breathing in the crisp morning air (by morning i mean around 9 am on a weekday ..but in my defense, it is friday!!). I felt happy, like lost in the moment. well, thing is, i think i can really like this guy. However, I'm still very cautious because from what i heard he's quite the ladies' man. Part of me almost wish that he'll never contact me again because then, it could be so much easier. Hmm..so confusing! I'm still going to give google guy a chance. I'm seeing him tomorrow night.

Aside from that, i think i've moved on from my ex. FINALLY! I didn't even want to check him out on the blog anymore because i remembered how affected i am everytime i peeked. Plus, i feel that i'm slowly seeing his personality clearer (from other people who is still connected to him through work). And i dont like what i'm seeing. Its almost seems like he prefers to run/ hide away from his problems. Also, now that i think about it, he's so emotional. I'm emotional. I mean, in order to match well, one person has to complement the others lacking qualities right?? Not to say that we had a bad relationship, but i feel that i still have a lot to learn about what i want/what fits me well. I suppose things always work out for the best, right?

So,the date with google guy last night was just N-I-C-E.I mean, it wasn't like amazing or anything, its just plain nice. We went to this lounge, drank free infused sakes,then, we head to star light room to continue drinking.By the way, while we were at star light room, we were dancing a little and he was a bad dancer. He doesn't have any rhythm and i remembered feeling annoyed because he was messing up my groove. I'd rather dance by myself.(so thats another minus) Then, we went to dolores park on the way home to sit and talked and made out a little. And then, i realized that i stepped on dog's poop. DAMMIT! i'm never going to the park at night again. Anyways, i just really don't feel that much chemistry with this guy. I mean, we clicked. I can talk to him about a lot of stuff and i love the fact that he has money and pays for mostly everything and doesn't mind doing it. I love the fact that he's very accomplished. BUt, i just do not find him sexy. I dont even know if i would ever sleep with him. I'm not sure i want to find out either. I know that he likes me a lot. Perhaps the fact that he's so transparent and always put everything on the table turns me off. I mean, dont get me wrong, i have no tolerance for bullshit. But that doesn't mean that he can't play the game a little. All i asked is 100% honest, but you dont have to open all your cards that soon. You have to put a little of mystery in there to keep me interested. I'm so screwed. I think i know way too much about the ways and tricks of attraction and maybe i set the bar too high. What am i supposed to do though? I'm still going to see him for a few more times and see if anything more can develop from here.

Its a good thing that he and TN are different. Each has something that the other doesn't have. It all comes down to "what do i want?" and i better know what i'm getting myself into with each of them. Right now, nothing else could be done but to enjoy it.

Oh, by the way, i am seeing TN tonight. I am way more excited about this.

I have another date with google guy tonight. I'm somewhat excited but not as excited with the prospect of seeing the natural (TN) tomorrow night. I am so bad right??? I can't stop thinking about TN. Dammit! I guess i do like him, but i dont want to like him too much yet, u know? To tell the truth, i dont trust him yet. Anyways, back to google guy. He called me last night just to talk about tonight and general stuff. He still made me smile though. I like talking to him. Why , why can't i feel the same chemistry with him? maybe it will develop the more i see him right?

The natural

Last night, i had a date with "the natural." The plan was to just have dinner (well, at least thats what i thought).And it ended up dinner->drinks-> his place (and no, i did not have sex with him. However, it did take every ounce of my willpower to stop myself). I can't be in denial much longer. I am attracted to him very much. Its like there is this sexual tension between us. A chemistry that makes me drawn to him and perhaps him to me. The fact that he's a damn good kisser just sold it. I couldn't help but thinking when he came to pick me up and we were walking to the restaurant how bloody sexy he looked. Its his eyes, the way he carried himself. Anyways, thats beside the point. So, we ordered, we trade stories and we went to a bar to drink and pretty much started making out. And yeah, it was so intense that i didnt even know one of my earrings fell to the ground (I didnt notice i lost one until much much later...that is to say, i was at his place already). How did i end up to his place? well, pretty much because i didn't want the night to end and i was curious, and scared at the same time. Its a convoluted feeling that he pretty much capitalize. Went back to his place for "snuggling" which turned out to be a full-blown make-out session. Jesus christ! he just ignites passion in me, like i can't help it. My body literally had a mind on its own once its in his hands. But, it just turned me on so bad. Anyways, i didnt give in because i mean, we had a bet. He said "i'm not gonna f*ck you unless you beg for it." Obviously i never did coz i have my precious precious pride.
Long story short, i went home at 3:30 am and slept at 4am. I had to work today. (i know, so fucking tired today). And i thought about him a lot today.I can still feel his lips on mine.

The dates

So, i had so much kisses last week. I kid you not. And it wasn't like a peck or anything, all of them were french kisses, with tongue and everything. I had a very action-packed weekend. I went on a date with two guys. Google guy and the natural.

Saturday was the first encounter with google guy. Although, he's not the best looking guy i've ever seen, he gets points for having a cute smile. Not to mention, he drives a nice audi, he works at google as a PM, travels all over the world, graduated from an ivy league school and a very smart guy. I know, so many good points right. And at first glance, he is a total great catch. However, i don't think i'm physically attracted to him.I mean, of course he kissed me and shit, but it was just a nice kiss. Not the kind of kiss which wakes passion in you and makes you want to just lose control and get right down to fucking. However, i felt safe around him. Like i know that he's not gonna mistreat me or hurt me deliberately. I enjoyed his company and enjoyed talking to him. I feel like i can talk to him about anything. All in all, the date was pretty good. I saw him again for lunch the next day and it was just really nice. He is definitely boyfriend material.

The facts are that i am dating two guys now. One is a comfortable zone and the other is an unpredictable one. As of now, i like the natural more simply because i feel excitement around him. I think he just challenges me even though i know its a very dangerous territory since he's hard to figure out. Its too early to tell whats gonna happen next. I have another date with google guy tomorrow. I haven't heard from the natural since sunday. I'm still testing him. So its more like i want to give myself time to calm down from the giddiness i felt with him and i want to be pursued. Part of me wants to tame him, to make him fell for me, feel crazy about me. So, right now its fun and games and i think i'm playing my cards right.

3 boys

Last week was interesting. Out of nowhere, three guys came into my life. Lets call the first one, CB. I met him at a happy hour. None of my friends knew him. He was just talking to the people i was meeting and before i know it, he was buying me a drink, talking to me and asking for my number. I know from the get go that he and his friends were checking me out but i never thought he would actually asked for my number. Anyhow, so, i met him for like 5 minutes the next day at the jazz fest.Well, i thought i was gonna hang out with him, but then, my friends decided that they were gonna be there too. And so of course i chose my friends over an unknown guy. The other day he left a voicemail asking me out (and hello, NEVER EVER asked a girl on a date on the voicemail because it left the responsibility to her.i didnt call him back coz i wasn't sure i wanna go. I mean, I would probably go just for the heck of it, but what was i suppose to say, "yes, lets go on a date on thursday?"). And so, i was surprised when he called again the next day, on july 4th.But it was too last minute and i had plans. I am not sure if he's still going to call me, so its still open-ended.

The second guy is the natural (happened on friday).Well, i mean i knew him already. I always think he had this almost predatory vibe about him which makes him seemed really mysterious and fucking sexy (there i said it).So that night, i dont know what happened,but we had sparks between us and He pretty much kissed me and then, everything changes. I am too lazy to start from the beginning. So, here's an excerpt of what i wrote on tuesday:
"So, i feel the need to get things off my chest and think straight. I can't bloody stop thinking about him and how the kiss felt like. I think i'm in heat. look at me, i sound like a female dog needing to get some. I would be lying if i say i didn't feel anything. That kiss was just fucking electrifying. The kind that takes your breath away. I felt like he awakened something in me. Something that i have been trying to ignore and just needing it to be ignored because otherwise, i would go mad without release. I mean, i do take care of business sometimes, but feeling a man kissed you like that is just ..i just miss having the touch of a real man, u know? I never thought that he would want to kiss me, or that he's attracted to me at all. I never thought in a million years that he would be attracted to me. I mean, he and I looked like we live in two different worlds. One that would never collide. Its just that the way he looks at you, makes you feel naked and like its as if, he's gonna pounce on you and devour you if you do not keep your guards up. He made me feel good, feel like a woman, feel sexy. But that son of a bitch has that mystery around him that i find irresistible. "

The third is google guy. I'm having a date with him today. we'll see how it goes.

Tryout

For the longest time, i was debating whether or not to start an anonymous blog away from another non-anonymous blog in which i posted links on my online community pages. You know, those to the likes of friendster, facebook, etc? Its suffice to say that I can't write whatever i want on there for fear of judgment from certain people who only know a certain side of you but not the other side. I promise you that i do not have a personality disorder, but there are only a few actual friends who know the real me. Its complicated coming from an asian community who is pretty conservative and gossipy. (so now do you understand the need for anonymity?).I want to be able to write about guys, sex, misadventures of dating, etc. I need an outlet and hence, i decided to do a tryout blog and see how long i can maintain it. I mean, its not like i have a super-hot sex life. I am just starting to get back in the game again after a 6 month of mourning my relationship with the first guy i ever truly loved. Its just that one day, i wake up and realized i have had enough of mourning, moping, pining and i need to move on. It also helps with the fact that i have this innate confidence of how hot and sexy i am that guys could not resist me (yeah right). Anyways, enough with the introduction and bragging about how pretty i am (can't you tell? I need attention all the time :). First post coming up soon.